Jittery
by ShinigamiPhoenix
Summary: Duo's feeling jittery without his blades, and needs someone's help. will heero be there to help him as he struggles with his inner demons? CONTAINS SELF-INJURY, DO NOT READ IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THAT! DISCONTINUED
1. Default Chapter

I feel jittery. Restless. I try to concentrate on something, anything-music, books, repairs to Deathscythe, and I can maybe focus enough for about thirty seconds before my attention wanders. My skin burns, it itches for a blade, but they're gone, all gone. Heero took them. Damn that bastard. What right did he have to take them away? They were mine, dammit, all mine, my only means of... release. I needed them. Need them. Always need them. But he took them. He found them and he yelled and he took them and he won't let me get any more.   
  
He watches me, ya know. He always wants to know where I'm going and what I'm doing. Like a stupid motherhen, making sure I don't do anything 'stupid'. But it'd not stupid, dammit! Stupid implies wrong, and this isn't wrong. It could never be wrong. The blade sinking into my flesh feels so good, like a bittersweet melody that remains in you head, haunting and taunting until you can't hear anything else, until you can't feel all the pain and the horror and the fear and dear Gods I need a blade!   
  
I don't realise that I'm shaking until Quatre comes and wraps a blanket around me, asking if I'm okay. I flash him a grin that I'm sure is completely see-through, but he goes away anyway. I feel eyes on me, and turn to find Heero watching me closely from where he's sitting on the sofa. I look at him, silently daring him to say something, but he looks away. Good. Because I am so close to slugging the bastard. He didn't have the right!   
  
I couldn't breathe suddenly, couldn't draw in enough oxygen to think, not that I could think with oxygen, but still... someone touched my shoulder and I jumped, springing to my feet. I dragged air back into my lungs with a ragged gasp, and Trowa stared at me with wide eyes.   
  
"Are you alright, Duo? You're white as a ghost and breathing heavily."  
  
"I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm fine. I, uh, think I might be coming down with something, a cold, ya know, I mean, I've been out in some terrible weather lately, what with all the missions, and I've never really been sick before so I guess I was bound to sooner or later..." Oh, god, I was babbling like a fool, even I could see that. Quatre was frowning at me, Trowa was as unreadable as ever, Wufei was staring, and Heero was typing on his laptop, but his typing was a bit slower than ever.   
  
Gods, why did he do this to me? Did he want to hurt me? Hurt me in a bad way, I mean. Doesn't he understand what he did? What he's still doing? I know he has the blades somewhere, he hasn't left the house and I searched all the bins, and he wouldn't risk hurting the somewhat touchy plumbing by flushing them, so they have to be somewhere, but I searched his stuff and it wasn't there, and Gods I just need them.  
  
"Duo, calm down," Trowa aaid soothingly, "You're panting. Just take a deep breath, hold it, now let it out. That's good. Come on, again. Again. There. Now, tell us what's wrong."  
  
No, no, no! They can't know! No one can know! "N-N-N-Nothing. Nothing's wrong. I'm fine." Gods, the lie tasted bitter. I fought a wince and dredged up a smile. "I, uh, think I'm gonna, uh, go upstairs and, uh, get some rest. Yeah."   
  
I might've broken the sound barrier as I fled up to my bedroom. I don't really think my feet touched the stairs. I slammed the door without meaning to and pretty much just collapsed on my bed. I curled up into a tight ball and tried to ignore the burning itch that was crawling over my skin, scratching, itching, begging attention, demanding satisfaction, demanding a blade.   
  
Someone opened the door and I tried to tell them to go away, but I'm not sure if I actually managed to or not. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, needed a blade... needed to cut...   
  
"Sssshhh, Duo, it's going to be alright," someone whispered, and the mattress sunk as someone laid down beside me. They wrapped their arms around me and I clung to them, not really aware who it was that I was probably bruising. The person was stroking my braid and humming some sort of lullaby, but it didn't soothe me. Needed to cut, needed that release, oh, Gods, my skin itched.   
  
"Come on, Duo, just breathe," the person whispered. "I know it's hard, but it'll pass. Just remember to breathe. Come on, Duo."   
  
Was I breathing? I wasn't entirely sure. I couldn't think of anything except the hot itching of my skin, the desperate need to cut.   
  
"Duo, breathe, dammit!" There was a note of panic in the person's voice, and they shook me roughly. "That's an order, pilot! Come on, breathe!"  
  
My training made me react to the order without thinking, and I sucked air into my lungs. Apparently, I hadn't been breathing.   
  
"Come on, Duo, focus on my voice. Just listen to my voice. Forget everything else. There is nothing else but my voice." Then the voice softened and began singing a lullaby in Japanese. I couldn't focus enough to translate the words into English, but it was nice, and I let the song envelope me, surround me.   
  
The itching faded, slowly, so slowly, and I was able to breathe again. I still wanted, needed, to cut, that hadn't changed, but it wasn't the all-consuming urge that it had been a moment ago. I could think again. Enough to recognise the body I was pressed up against.   
  
I shifted, turning my head, and met a pair of drowningly-deep cobalt blue eyes, watching me in a very strange way.   
  
"H-Heero?"  
  
"Sleep, Duo, you're exhausted. I'll be here."  
  
I wanted to question, to ask what he was doing and why and a million other things, but I was tired, so tired. I let the questions slip away, deciding to maybe ask them later, and rested my head against his chest. He began singing again, the same lullaby as before, and it was the last sound I heard as I drifted off into a peaceful, dreamless sleep. 


	2. Chapter Two

Notes: Okay, here it is, the second chapter. I know in the summary it says it's a Duo POV, but my muse decided to change that and make it shifting POV. This is Heero, and takes place immediately after Chapter One, with Duo still asleep in his arms (awwww). Hope you like it, and again, I'd love more reviews.   
  
I watch him as he sleeps. He seems so fragile, so... young. I hate that I'm the one doing this to him, hate that I'm causing him so much pain, but I have to, because if I don't, he'll never get better. I know he can get better. He has to. Because if he can't, what hope is there for me? If he falls into his darkness, how can I hope to evade it?   
  
Please, Duo, I thought to him, please be alright. I need you to be alright. You're my hope, my light. You have to be alright.   
  
Someone knocked lightly on the door and I repressed the urge to growl at the interloper. It turned out to be Quatre, and he looked very worried.  
  
"Heero, is Duo alright?" he whispered, and I sighed.  
  
"He... you know what he's been feeling lately, you've caught glimpses of his heart. Right?" I thought he had, I'd seen pain flash across his face a few times when he'd been near Duo. He nodded unhappily.  
  
"He needs to feel... release, or something. You took something away from him."  
  
"I took his blades away."  
  
I watched understanding and sadness flow across his face and he gasped. "Oh... oh my."  
  
"He's become... dependant on cutting. I won't let him, and he's feeling...."  
  
"Jittery."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
He sighed and was silent for a few moments, staring at his shoes, before he raised his blue-green eyes to look at me seriously. "Is there anything I can do to help?"  
  
I thought for a moment. Was there? "Keep him distracted," I finally said. "Don't let him be alone and silent and... make sure he always has something to do, and try not to let him get depressed. I think that's all any of us can do. And tell Wufei to leave him the hell alone."   
  
Quatre nodded and left. I turned my attention back to the tortured angel in my arms, stroking his thick braid with one hand.  
  
"Please, Duo, accept our help," I whispered to him, knowing how the Deathscythe pilot habitually refused any help of any sort. He was a loner, reliant only on himself-and that Howard guy-but I desperately wished that he would accept our help. Accept my help.  
  
He stirred, mumbling something under his breath, and I hummed a few lines of an old Japanese lullaby I'd learnt. It soothed him, and he settled down again. His breathing was slow and steady, something I paid close attention to after that terrifying moment when he had actually stopped breathing. Breathing is supposed to be something you do unconsciously, like your heart beating, but I think that he was feeling so jittery, he simply... forgot. It had been more scary than any missions I've ever gone on. He was shaking so hard, holding me so tightly I knew I would be bruised, and then he'd simply... stopped breathing. I had been so scared that he would die, in my arms. I spoke but I don't think he heard me. I ordered him to breathe, called him 'pilot' and I think only his intense training and conditioning made him obey. What if I wasn't here the next time? What if I wasn't around to get him to breathe? Would he die?   
  
"Stop that," I whispered harshly to myself. "You won't leave him alone. You won't let him die. Just keep your cool and keep your focus and stop talking to yourself."   
  
I remembered how he'd stammered when he'd spoken earlier, and how he'd just mumbled a few incoherent noises at me when I'd entered the bedroom after he'd fled from the others. Duo Maxwell is the best, most animated talker I've ever met. For him to actually have trouble speaking... I think that showed how much he was suffering almost as much as the shaking.   
  
Gods, I didn't want to do this to him. I never wanted to hurt him. But when I found the blades... saw the scars... I couldn't let it continue. I had to stop it! I hid the blades, and waited for him to confront me. It took about ten minutes after he'd come back from his latest mission. He stormed into the living room and demanded that I return them. He didn't say what, ever cautious of the others' presence, but I knew what, and I just shook my head. He screamed and cursed and threatened, and I so wanted to return them, to make him happy, to make him not mad at me, but... I couldn't. I had to remain strong. I had to be strong for him because he couldn't be strong for himself. I would always be strong for him. If he let me.  
  
"Please let me, Duo," I whispered. "Please, lean on me, let me help and let me be strong for you. Please, Duo. Let me help you stop feeling..." I struggled for a word that had a hope of describing what he was going through and remembered what Quatre had said. "Let me help you stop feeling jittery." 


	3. Chapter Three

Notes: Okay, guys, here it is, the third chapter. This is Duo's POV again, I think it's gonna switch POVs every chapter, going Duo, Heero, Duo, Heero, Duo, Heero etc etc, unless my muse decides to change that, but I'll always tell you at the beginning who's POV it is anyway, so you don't have to worry about that. This might seem a little bit... shorter... lamer... I dunno, something-er, than the previous chapters, but I think it's all that I can manage, and if I try to write more, it'll get worse, 'cause I have this itching to write some Heero POV about this little scene, and should be coming fairly soon. Anyway, feedback and reviews and anything would be lovel. Enjoy!  
  
Someone was holding me. That was my first conscious thought as I struggled to wake up. Someone very warm and nicely muscled was holding me with an odd mixture of gentleness and strength. I frowned, deciding to wait until more information was available before revealing my conscious state to whoever was holding me.   
  
There was a soft knock on the door, I presume, and the sound of it being quietly opened. The body underneath me shifted slightly, arms tightening around me.  
  
"I'm going to sleep, will you be alright?" a whispered voice that I identified as Quatre's asked.  
  
"I'll be fine. Go to sleep."   
  
No fucking way. Heero could not be holding me. It was impossible. Heero Yuy did not hold anybody, and certainly not me.  
  
Once my brain got over the initial shock of that little tidbit of information-and that took a few moments-I realised that if Heero was indeed holding me as he was, he must've been doing it for some time, because we appeared to be quite comfortable. I fought to remember what I'd last been doing, and it came to me in an icy wave.  
  
Oh dear Gods. Had I really acted like that? In front of the others? In front of everyone who mattered to me in the whole world? Gods, the shaking, the stammering, the complete breakdown.   
  
And... and Heero... Heero holding me... comforting me... helping me. What the fuck was going on here? Had I entered the Twilight Zone?   
  
The memory of what Heero had done made me focus on myself, and I realised that though the urge was still there, the need to cut was manageable. I could think, I could function, if I'd been handed a blade, yeah, I probably would've cut, but... I wasn't in that fit of 'have-to-cut-or-I'll-explode' that I had been in.  
  
Okay, enough information gathered, time to get some answers. Taking a deep breath, I raised my head to look into Heero's eyes. But before I could ask a question, he asked, "How do you feel?"  
  
I hesitated, and then said, "Better. What are you doing here?"  
  
"Helping you."  
  
Well duh. "Why?"  
  
"Because you need help, Duo, and I'm the one who's doing this to you, so I'm going to help you. Just please let me."  
  
"Damn fucking straight you're doing this to me," I snarled, anger boiling inside me. "You had no fucking right to take my blades, and I want them back, I need them back."  
  
"Duo, I can't," he whispered, and he actually seemed... sorry, about that.  
  
"Yes you can! Please, Heero, I need them so bad."  
  
"No, no, Duo, you don't. You think you do, but you don't. Just let me help you, and we'll get you through this. Please."  
  
I wanted to believe him, I really did. I didn't like the scars that marred my arms, marking me as different, weird, but... I needed to cut! How else could I find that release, that... I didn't know what to call it, but it felt so good, dammit, like nothing mattered, like nothing else existed, there was just me, the blade, and the blood. Why was Heero trying to take that away from me? Didn't he understand how important it was?  
  
"Heero, I need my blades," I whispered, not having the strength for anything louder. "Please. Give them back."   
  
He looked... helpless. And that is just not an expression you will see on Heero Yuy's face everyday. It came to me then that he was... torn. He didn't want to hurt me like this, but he didn't-couldn't?-let me continue cutting. He... could he... was it possible that he...   
  
"Heero, do you... do you care about me?" My voice was the softest of whispers, as I stared down at him in.... shocked amazement, I guess, and he winced.  
  
".... Yes," he whispered back. "I tried not to, but I care about you so much, Duo. And this is killing me. But I... I can't let you keep on cutting. I'm sorry."   
  
Heero cared about. Heero Yuy cared about me, Duo Maxwell. That didn't make sense. It couldn't be possible. Heero didn't care about anyone. But... he'd said it, and... I've never heard him lie to me before, so...   
  
"Swear it," I whispered harshly. "Swear on pain of death and torture, on your fucking laptop and Gundam and spandex shorts, that you care about me."   
  
He looked at me and the helplessness washed away to be replaced by a weird sort of solemnity. "I swear."   
  
It was too much. I couldn't deal with it. On a better day, maybe, possibly, I could've handled it, but in the aftermath of everything that'd happened... I couldn't deal. And what do I do when I can't handle something? Why, I run and I hide.   
  
I scrabbled away from him and made it to the door before he called my name. "I'm having a shower," I told him, rather abruptly, and then walked out, closing the door on his protests.   
  
I guess, it really wasn't fair, I decided as I stepped into the bathtub, turning on the shower. I mean, the one time Heero decides to actually open up a little and admit that he ca... has emotions, I run away, but dammit, I couldn't handle it.   
  
Alright, moving on, a topic I can handle: how the fuck am I gonna get back my blades? 


	4. Chapter Four

Notes: This is Heero POV, and delves a little into how the whole situation is involving the other pilots, which I wanted to do, so... Enjoy and review!   
  
Oh, Gods, this was killing me. How could he do this? I finally, finally admit that despite my best efforts, I cared for him, a lot more than I should, and what does he do? He takes a fucking shower! Dammit, that was not what I needed. Of course, I'm not entirely sure what I needed, but I know it wasn't that! Reassurance would've been nice. 'That's okay, Heero, it happens to the best of us' or 'Don't worry, it doesn't make you weak' or 'It's cool, we can still be soldiers' or even 'Good, 'cause I care about you, too.' Yeah, that would've been nice to heart. But do I get that? No. Dammit!   
  
Okay, Yuy, calm down, now is not the time to get pissed at that braided baka. Alright, think. Why would Duo do that? That's what's important here, right? Duo. Okay, so, let's review the conversation. It had been... embarrassing, probably, for him, and uncomfortable for us both, and... after what happened earlier... maybe it was... too much?  
  
'I may run, and I may hide, but I never tell a lie, that's me in a nutshell'. His stupid motto, which I had previously thought was utter nonsense, but... what if it was true? Was he... hiding from me? Was he running away from... me caring about him? Oh, God, was he... did he not like me caring about him?  
  
I wasn't used to these feelings of insecurity, never actually been insecure about anything before, and I discovered something. I didn't like it.   
  
Sighing, I got up and walked down the hall to the bathroom door. I could hear the shower running, but tuned that sound out. Feet sliding on the slippery bottom of the tub, the dial clicking as he adjusted the heat, the soap clattering in its little dish, but nothing about how he might possibly feeling. Damn.  
  
I sighed again and was about to turn away and go downstairs when I heard something else: a dull, wet thump, one I recognised as a wet, limp body hitting the ground. Oh, Gods, was something wrong? Was he hurt? Had he fainted?   
  
My hand was on the doorknob, about to break down the door, when I heard another noise: his breath hitching. I listened closely, and it was followed by a tiny little hiccup that was quickly muffled.  
  
Oh... oh, Gods. He was crying. We've been through a lot together, battles, explosions, deaths, torture, and I have never, ever, seen Duo Maxwell even in the remote vicinity of tears.   
  
I wanted to go in there and comfort him, hold him and reassure him, but... I didn't want to be rejected. And I was sure I would be. Once again, I was stuck. I wanted to comfort him, but didn't want to be rejected, and if I comforted him, I would be rejected. Can't one thing in my fucked up life be simple and easy?   
  
Sighing yet again, I turned and silently walked downstairs, going into the kitchen and flicking on the light, which seemed harsh and... unforgiving, as if telling me that I should be upstairs, holding Duo. It was a mark of my sleep-deprived, emotionally-confused, and utter fucked-up state of mind that I could think of the kitchen light reprimanding me.   
  
I shook my head and flicked on the kettle, getting out two cups and the pot of instant coffee. I didn't really think Duo would be willing to sit down and drink coffee with me but... I was hoping. Funny, huh? I've never really had hope before, not about anything, and when I finally get it, is it about anything war-related? Nope. It's about Duo sitting down and drinking a fucking cup of coffee with me.   
  
"Gods, my head is a mess," I whispered to myself.   
  
"Heero?" Quatre's sleepy, unsure voice asked, and I jerked my head up to see him standing in the doorway. "What's going on?"  
  
"Duo's awake."  
  
"I figured that out when I heard the shower running." He sat down at the table and looked at me. "What happened?"  
  
I sighed for the fourth time and struggled with what to say. It seemed very personal, what had transpired between me and Duo, and I didn't want to share it, but I knew that I had to say something.  
  
"We talked," I eventually said. "And I think it was too much for him to handle."  
  
"Ah. Makes sense. He's... fragile, right now, though you don't have to tell him I said that. What are you gonna do tomorrow? Or, later today, rather?"  
  
That was a bloody good question, and I wondered if I had an answer. What exactly was I planning on doing today? I don't think Duo was up to more talking, but we needed to talk. He probably wasn't up to facing the others, but I think they might want to talk to him. He wanted to cut but couldn't, and so was probably going to want to find his blades, which he couldn't. Shit, in a word.  
  
"I dunno," I was forced to admit after a while. "I think I'll just shadow Duo and make sure that he doesn't..."  
  
"Have another breakdown?" Quatre supplied when I hesitated, and I smiled ruefully.  
  
"Hai."   
  
"I spoke to Wufei and Trowa. I didn't tell them a whole lot of detail, but I said enough to get them concerned."  
  
"Concerned?"  
  
"Yes. Believe it or not, they both really like Duo, sort of like a brother, though Wufei will deny it under torture, and they don't want him to be like this. They're gonna follow your lead, whatever you decide to do, and I told them not to pressure Duo into talking or anything, and to just behave as if everything's normal, though I did order Wufei to curb the insults."  
  
"Good, I don't think Duo can handle it."  
  
"Does it really get to him that much?" Wufei asked softly, walking in and sitting down at the table with Quatre. He didn't look all that good, actually, and I absently noted that he was quite handsome with his hair down. "I thought he knew that I didn't really mean the majority of what I said to him."  
  
"He does know that," Quatre assured him, and then added, "Sort of. His head knows that you don't mean it, but his heart... doubts. If he was perfectly fine, he wouldn't think twice about whether or not you meant what you said, but with all his other... problems....."   
  
"Don't people normally have therapy sessions during the day?" Trowa murmured, covering a yawn with his hand.  
  
"Duo woke up, so that explains why I'm awake, I don't know about the other two," I said.  
  
"I'm awake because Duo's emotions are weighing on my heart," Quatre explained.  
  
"I'm awake because I'm not asleep."   
  
"Fair enough."  
  
"Why are you awake?"  
  
"Couldn't sleep without Quatre. So, Heero, how's Duo?"  
  
"Shitty, I think is the word he would probably use."  
  
"Oh."  
  
I sighed, moving to the only remaining seat at the table, and run a hand through my hair. "He's... not like he was yesterday, not so... jittery, but... he still wants his blades. I think, deep down, he knows that I can't give them back, but he wants them back."  
  
"Where did you actually hide them?" Wufei asked curiously, and I smiled wanly.  
  
"There's a crack in the wall in one of the corners of my room, right at the bottom, and it's just big enough to hide them, but not big enough to draw attention, mainly because every room in this place has at least one crack in the wall."  
  
"Clever."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Things got quiet for a few moments, each of us absorbed in his own thoughts, and I was surprised when Wufei broke the silence.  
  
"I always wondered about him, you know," he said suddenly, and we all looked at him. "I always wondered how could a Gundam pilot, a terrorist, be so vibrant and happy, especially with his background. It took him weeks to explain to me that if you get so absorbed in the big picture, you lose the point. You have to take pleasure in all the little things, like watching your favourite TV show, or drinking coffee, or watching the sun rise. He told me that it was the little things that made up the big picture, and you couldn't forget about them. After that, I did start taking more notice of the little things. And I also started listening to him more. He's deceptively clever, isn't he?"  
  
"Very much so," Quatre agreed. "He hides it well, but whenever we're going over a mission, he'll make these little flippant remarks that actually prove to be very intelligent. He knows how to get around obstacles and hide from things, how to manipulate the enemy into doing what he wants. He's a very good strategist."   
  
"But better at stealth," Trowa murmured. "I was surprised at that, that someone so boisterous could be a stealth master, but the amount of times I've seen him sneak into bases, complete a mission and escape without getting caught.... He even walks silently, when he's not running or dancing. I mean, he bounces around a lot and talks loudly, but his feet never make a sound."   
  
"Duo's got a lot of good qualities," I said. "But he doesn't see that. He only sees his failures."  
  
"Like what?"   
  
"Like not being able to protect all his gang during the plague, like not being able to protect those people at the Maxwell Church, like not being able to do things perfectly the first time. He's not a perfectionist, but those little mistakes eat at him, and with everything else in our lives, all the pain and death and blood and crap...."   
  
"It's not uncommon," Trowa said. "Cutting gives him this kind of release. It's like pressure, building up inside, and cutting releases that pressure, let's you think again. The more you cut, the more the need to cut increases, until eventually, cutting won't work and he'll kill himself."  
  
I frowned at him, at the matter-of-fact tone of his voice. "How would you know so much about this?"  
  
He raised his eyes to look at me and smiled sadly. "Why do you think I always wear long sleeves?"  
  
"You mean...."  
  
"For a while, yeah, I cut. I stopped a couple of months ago. I recognised Duo's symptoms last night, though my case wasn't as... extreme."  
  
"Why'd you stop?"  
  
"Quatre." He turned and smiled at the blonde sitting beside him, and Quatre smiled back, interlacing his fingers with Trowa's. Then he looked back at me, eyes serious again. "The point is, Heero, that I got through it, I found other ways of coping, but Duo's had longer of this shit than me. His whole fucking life has been full of crap, not just this war. He's gone farther down the path than I did, and if you don't do something right now, you won't be able to stop him."  
  
Well, no pressure. And why was it all up to me? Couldn't they help me just a little with this? I have no fucking idea what I'm doing.  
  
"Heero, he won't accept our help," Quatre said, perhaps sensing my emotions. "He'll barely accept yours, but he will never accept ours."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because he doesn't want to appear... weak, in front of us. He feels that you... won't condemn him for his problems. I don't know why he feels that, but he does."   
  
I hesitated, biting my lip before asking, "Is he... is he better than... yesterday? I mean, I know not completely but... is it... the jitteriness... has it faded a little bit?"  
  
He nodded sympathetically. "Yeah. He can handle it now. But it's still there, Heero. He hasn't gotten over this. I think it's going to be a long time before he does, and he's gonna need you there every step of the way."  
  
"I'll always be there!" I insisted, surprising everyone with the vehemence of my voice, even me. I blinked and forced myself to calm down. "Sorry. I'm just a bit... stressed."   
  
"Then my news probably won't help," Wufei sighed, and I looked at him sharply. "I received a mission last night, while you were upstairs with Duo. It's a joint mission, pretty simple search and destroy, low risk but big enough for two Gundams. Your laptop also beeped. We leave at noon."  
  
Shit fuck bugger damn. I couldn't leave. I couldn't go away and leave Duo alone. What if he got jittery again? Who would be there to soothe him through it? Quatre and Trowa didn't know what I had done and I doubt it would work if they tried it. Or, if I went, and something went wrong, if I got captured or killed....   
  
"Can't someone else go on the mission?" Quatre asked, and Wufei frowned.  
  
"I don't know. We've never actually wanted to change missions. I guess, I can send an email to Master O and ask. Maybe he'll let someone else join me."  
  
"It's been a while since I had a mission, and Heavyarms is in perfect condition. With the amount of firepower I bring, I should be able to cause the same amount of damage as Wing."   
  
"I don't care if anyone else can go or not," I said, coming to a decision. "I am not leaving Duo. Mission refused."   
  
They all stared at me, which was expected. I had never refused a mission, and hadn't thought I ever would, but.... Duo was more important right now. 


	5. Chapter Five

Notes: This is Duo POV and he is actually thinking straight in this, not having a meltdown. He is planning how to get his blades back and everything, so don't expect any huge emotional scenes. Enjoy and review!  
  
When I stepped out of the shower, I was a little bit more clear-headed. I had firmly pushed Heero and his new emotional side to the back of my mind and kept it there. I was now focused on two things: hiding my... problems? Condition? My whatever, from the others, and getting my blades back. Those two tasks would not be easy by a long-shot, but I love a challenge.   
  
I was going to have to dial down the clown routine a bit, not enough to be very noticeable and that I couldn't attribute to fatigue, but enough to spare some energy and attention to my other task, which would probably be hardest. Heero was not going to willingly offer the information in this century, so I was on my own, which was fine. Like I said before, he has to have them in the house. I searched his room thoroughly, and mine, and the bathroom, but I didn't check anywhere else. I had to remedy that.   
  
I could check the living room easy enough, it's such a mess no one would be surprised if a few things changed location, just as long as I wasn't caught in the act, but searching Quatre and Trowa's room was going to be tricky, and searching Wufei's room even trickier. Searching the kitchen would be fairly simple, and I could do that first, when everybody's in bed.   
  
Of course, accomplishing any of that means I have to get away from Heero, and that is... not gonna be easy. He watches me like a fucking hawk, and he hasn't left me alone for more than five minutes since he took my blades. I could only hope that he got called on a mission and that it lasted for a while, because I'd need several hours to search both bedrooms and the kitchen, and make sure none of the other three caught me.  
  
I sighed at how complicated it was and pulled on my boxers. I wrapped the towel around my hair before stalking into my room. I was glad to find Heero gone, and I dressed quickly in black cargo trousers, a long-sleeved black tee shirt, and thick black socks. I sat on the bed to towel-dry and brush my hair, before pulling it back into a braid, still damp.  
  
Taking a deep breath, I decided that I would have to face Heero sooner or later. If I kept the mask firmly in place, and kept blocking him when he wanted 'to talk', I should be okay.   
  
I practised my trademark grin, ran over a few comments and remarks in my head, rolled my shoulders back, tilted my chin up high, and went downstairs. See? Let it never be said that Duo Maxwell is not courageous.   
  
Well, all my practised comments and gestures went right out the window when I saw not just Heero sitting in the kitchen, but the rest of them, too. I'm pretty sure I heard a smacking sound when my jaw hit the floor, and they all looked at me with very weird expressions on their faces that I had trouble deciphering.   
  
Quickly, I shook off my surprise, closed my mouth, and sauntered into the room, as if I hadn't a care in the world.  
  
"Well, hi, guys, if we're having a midnight snackfest, ya shoulda invited me," I drawled, going to the fridge and opening it. I wasn't hungry and my stomach protested violently against food, but it was expected, so I had to eat something. Maintaining my mask was vital, and that included eating lots and being a prat and fidgeting and waving my hands around to emphasise my point.   
  
Picking out some chicken fried rice leftovers, I dished it onto a plate, grabbed a fork, and leaned against the counter to eat it while watching the others closely without looking like I was. I didn't actually taste the food, for which I was grateful, and I didn't hear whatever the hell Quatre was saying, or what I was saying in reply, I was too focused on figuring out what felt wrong.   
  
I'm slow on occasion, and these guys know how to act, so it took me a few moments to identify that weird light in their eyes, that odd tingle in the air, and the slightly strange body language they were using. But when I did figure it out... I was fucking pissed.   
  
So much for hiding my problems. Heero had fucking told them, the bastards. He might not have told them everything, but he'd told them enough that I knew I could never pass last night off as a one-off fluke.   
  
Alright, now I needed a new plan. With them clued in on the situation, they were not gonna leave me alone long enough to search for my blades, especially Quatre. Which means that unless they all get called away on missions at the same time for long enough and I don't... I was fucked.   
  
I wasn't really aware that I had finished my meal until I found myself rinsing the plate and leaving it in the sink. I blinked and forced myself to focus on what Quatre was saying.  
  
"....And she said that she was gonna kick me up the ass if I didn't, and hearing Relena Peacecraft say that is just truly weird. So the next thing I know, I'm in this really boring, empty room with Catherine, and I tell her that I love Trowa, and things just stop for a moment. Then her knives appear and she starts throwing them at me. Only Trowa materialises in front of me and protects me, and...."  
  
Some dream of his, apparently, and probably purely fictional. The others were all being silent, with Trowa watching me directly, Wufei sneaking glances at me, and Heero pretending not to watch me, but I could feel his attention. Alright, how was I gonna deal with this situation?   
  
If I could corner each one individually, I might stand a slim chance of deceiving them, but not if they all united against me. If they did that, I was fucked. Okay, the easiest one would probably be Quatre. He's so much of an optimist he won't want to believe what's going on with me, and would be very eager to see me be normal. But Quatre had that damned space heart, and that was pretty hard to deceive. Alright, if I kept my emotions buried enough and didn't think too hard about it all, I could probably convince it that I was happy, or at least, not depressed. Okay then.  
  
"Quatre, you talk almost as much as me," I said, and he shut up. "That does sound like a weird dream, but it cannot stand a chance of competing with this one I had. Alright, so, I'm standing in some mall, right? Really busy, lots of people, the usual crap. Anyway, this guy comes up to me and says that I've won a prize and could I please follow him to collect it. I follow, naturally, and he leads me into some sporting goods store, with fishing rods on the walls and a tent in the window display and shit like that, and on the far wall, which is directly in front of me, is this huge mural of Howard, and he's buckass naked with only this sort of sheet thing covering his groin, and then, before I know it, he comes out of the wall, sheet and all, and starts walking towards me. At that point I got totally freaked and pegged it. I ran outside of the shop, but somehow ended up back in the shop, so I ran outside again, and wound up inside again, and I just kept doing it over and over again until I finally woke up." I was rather proud of that story. Detailed, crazy, funny, and all made up as I told it. Aren't I a genius?   
  
They were all looking at me now, with looks ranging from suspicion to confusion to doubt to... suppressed hope. That one was Quatre. Told ya he'd wanna believe.  
  
"So, whaddya think it means?" I asked casually, and he frowned, obviously willing to play along with me for a bit. Good.  
  
"Um, maybe that you have a sick obsession with Howard?" he ventured after a moment, and I gave him a laugh.  
  
"I don't think so, but the subconscious is a funny thing! Ooh, or maybe that I wanna work in a sporting goods store and that Howard could finance it?"   
  
"Possibly."   
  
"Hm, don't think I'd do too well in retail, but I could always give it a try. Of course, sports stuff would be hard, because I'd probably have to answer questions about it, and I don't know shit about sports. Maybe I should forget that idea."   
  
"That's... probably a good idea."  
  
"Yeah. Well, I'm tired, I'm gonna go to bed. See ya in the morning. Or, later in the morning." I grinned, raised a hand in a sketchy wave, and then bounded upstairs, making plenty of noise.   
  
I opened my bedroom door and walked in, purposefully stepping on the creaky floorboard. I rolled around on my bed for a moment, giving the springs a chance to squeak, and then slipped off silently, tiptoeing across the room and silently opening the door. I put every stealthy skill I had into action and crept downstairs, hovering on the last step and straining to hear.  
  
".... So genuine. I can't believe it's all an act," Quatre said, and there was a hint of... helplessness buried under the sorrow.  
  
"He is a... remarkable actor," Wufei commented, and there was an odd sigh.  
  
"I wish he didn't feel like he had to hide from us."  
  
"Wishing won't help, he'll hide for his entire life, whether he needs to or not. Damned baka."   
  
"Wufei, call him a baka ever again and I will hurt you," Heero growled, and I blinked. Heero was defending me? Why was.... No! No, no, no, bad topic!  
  
"Protective, aren't you?"  
  
"Yes."   
  
"Admirable. But you can't protect him forever. Sooner or later, you're going to have to let him cope on his own."  
  
"Letting him cope on his own involves blood and scars!"  
  
"I'm not suggesting that you let him continue cutting, but you can't wrap him up in cotton wool, either. You can't protect him from every mean word and every little bit of danger."   
  
There was a heavy, tired sigh that I guess must've come from Heero. "I know. I just... worry."  
  
Worry? About me? Why would Heero worry about me? Logic states that people worry because they care. Applying that to the current situation would ascertain that Heero cared... BAD DUO! NO DUO! KEEP YOUR MIND OFF THAT DUO!!  
  
"We're all worried," Quatre said, and then there was a strange sort of gasping sound.  
  
"Quatre?" Trowa asked.  
  
"It's... Duo."  
  
"Duo?"  
  
"He's... confused and... scared."  
  
"Scared? Scared of what?" Heero demanded.  
  
"I don't know. It's hard to figure out. Scared of... himself? No, not himself. Someone else? No, that's not exactly it. It's confusing. He's scared of... something someone is doing to him."  
  
There was a silence for a moment, punctuated by Quatre's heavy breathing. For myself, I was just trying to figure out where the hell Quatre had gotten that I was scared from. I was not scared.   
  
"Is he scared of me?" Heero asked quietly after a while, and I held my breath. "Is he scared of what I'm doing to him by taking his blades away?"  
  
"I don't... no. No, that's not it. But, I think it does have to do with you. It's so confusing."  
  
Alright, I'd heard enough. I'd heard more than enough. I was not gonna stand here and listen to Quatre WRONGLY psychoanalyse me, and I was certainly not gonna get caught eavesdropping, which I would if I hung around much longer.  
  
I stealthily fled back up to my room and flopped on my bed, trying hard to analyse the conversation I'd just overhead and how to use it to my advantage. Quatre thought, mistakenly, that I was scared, and scared people usually run away and hide-I should know-so if I played the scared routine, I might be able to get them to leave me alone for bit, but they would expect me to stay in my room and I'd already searched my room. I needed to get them to leave me alone in THEIR bedrooms.   
  
Okay, so... maybe if I was with one of them in their rooms, and somehow... got spooked.... I could hide in the corner and maybe they would go away. Of course, deceiving Quatre's fucking space heart would be tough, but... Wufei, I think, would probably be the best. He tends to shy away from emotional confrontations, and I think he'd be really lost if I put on my 'completely-freaked-go-away' act. But how was I gonna get into his room and engineer an emotional confrontation?   
  
Maybe if I was looking for something? Maybe... if I said I had a mission... and could I borrow his throwing knives... because mine have gone missing... he'll assume Heero took them... he'll deny my request... causing an emotional breakdown on my part... that would work.   
  
But I'd have to make sure no one interrupted, because I can only act in so many plays at one time. Orchestrating both mine and Wufei's words and actions was going to take a great deal of concentration, and if one of the others decides to try and help, I'd have to act to him and coax him into what I wanted him to do, and smart as I am, I can only do so much.   
  
Alright, so, we wait until everyone is busy, perhaps with one or two of them out checking their Gundams or even on a mission, we wait until Wufei goes into his room, confront him, manipulate him, and then run the quickest, most meticulous search I can, while making the appropriate noises and not focusing too hard on my goal and instead trying to feel miserable, just for Quatre's benefit.   
  
Well, that shouldn't be too hard. 


	6. CHapter Six

Notes: Heero POV, nice and emotional, all sweet and sappy and Heero in total denial, just how I like him. Don't worry, he'll get better, and to make up for Duo's lack of emotional meltdown in the last chapter, I put one in this chapter, but from Heero's POV. Enjoy and review!  
  
Whether Duo actually slept or not, I don't know, but he stayed in his room until well after ten, and I would occasionally hear the bed springs creak, so I know he was on his bed from time to time. I myself didn't sleep. I couldn't. I was too worried about how the hell I was going to help Duo, and too stunned that I had put Duo before the war.   
  
I had sent back 'mission refused', something I thought I would never, ever do. It had never even occurred to me that I might refuse a mission before. Why had I put Duo before the war? I mean, he needed me, sure, but so did the war. I had been living for this war for years. It was all I thought about, all I existed for. But I had turned my back on it. I had chosen Duo over the war.   
  
"Heero, are you alright?" Quatre asked, and I blinked, surprised. "You're frowning."  
  
"Thinking," I said shortly, and he went away. I looked back at the screen of my laptop and pulled up an empty Word document, typing nonsense so that they would think I was working. I couldn't get past the fact that I had put DUO before the war. The war was everything to me. It was what I was trained for, what I lived for, it was the meaning of my existence. Yet... when I had realised that Duo needed me.... I'd turned my back on it. I'd weighed the two in my mind and Duo had been more important.   
  
He was... important... to me... as more than a comrade. I wasn't thinking of him as a soldier and Gundam pilot, I was thinking of him as Duo, the guy with the violet eyes who sings along to the radio. He's important. To me. Because I care. About him. I care about him. A lot. More than I should. More than I ever have about anything.   
  
I blinked the screen back into focus and realised that I had typed just over two pages of the same three words. I stared at the screen for a long time, unable to believe what my subconscious was trying to tell me. I cared about him, yes, I could just about admit that, but... I couldn't... I didn't.... Did I?   
  
Gulping, I carefully highlighted the text and moved to hit the delete key, but found myself hesitating. To delete it was almost like deleting my feelings, in my own mind, at least, and I didn't want to do that. They could be a pain sometimes, but I didn't want to be emotionless. And... if it was true... if I did....   
  
I suddenly couldn't delete the text, so I ended up saving it to a highly classified, highly protected folder, and password-protected it six ways to Sunday. I stared at the file, labelled only with the date, and fought a minor battle with myself over deleting it. It was stupid, really, and took up space on my laptop that could be used for something else, something IMPORTANT, and it was really pointless to keep it. But... what if it was true? What if I did...   
  
Gods, didn't I have enough to worry about without adding just a little more emotional confusion too? I couldn't handle this! I could not be in love! I wasn't ALLOWED to fall in love! I'm a frigging soldier, a Gundam pilot, I don't do love! I do pain and blood and death but I don't do love!  
  
I wasn't really aware of what had happened until the crash brought Quatre, Trowa and Wufei running, guns drawn and looking for enemies. I blinked and looked at the dark coffee stain on the wall opposite me, and wondered just why the hell my hand had hurled my cup at the wall.   
  
"Heero, you okay?" Quatre asked hesitantly, putting his gun away and watching me with a very... unsure expression.   
  
"I'm... fine," I managed to say in a somewhat strangled voice. "I just... I'm fine."  
  
"You don't feel fine. You feel all panicky and... denial?"  
  
"Stay the fuck out of my emotions!"  
  
"Hey!" Trowa said, not really loudly but forcefully, glaring at me. He was very protective of Quatre, and I sighed, running a hand through my hair.  
  
"Sorry. I'm fine, Quatre, I just... I'm a bit stressed."   
  
"Lying doesn't really work to me, Heero. You may not show your emotions, but you feel them very strongly. Just what are you fighting so hard against? It'll win eventually, and it'll be less painful to just give up. Because whatever it is, it's strong. And it's... unexpected and... new.... Heero, what ARE you in denial about?"  
  
Having an empath for a friend was a bitch sometimes. I sighed and searched for a way to make him go away that wouldn't be too embarrassing or revealing. "I just... I guess I'm not used to... caring." Alright, so that was a bit embarrassing, but it didn't involve the L-word, or Duo, so maybe it wasn't so bad.  
  
Quatre smiled sympathetically, and then glanced at the coffee-stained wall. "Well, next time you feel like you want to vent, do some exercises routines, maybe a few katas or something; we don't have enough dishes for you to shatter on a regular basis."   
  
I let out a heavy sigh, deflating completely. "Right. Sorry. I just... my control slipped. It won't happen again."   
  
"You must really be stressed right now for you to be having problems with your control," Wufei commented, and I glared at him.  
  
"I have just decided that Duo is more important than the war right now. How the fuck would YOU handle it?" Well, so much for not being too embarrassing or revealing. I growled and stalked out of the kitchen.   
  
There was no hanger for the Gundams to stay, just a small clearing in the woods with camouflage nets and electronic scramblers. I climbed up Wing, pressed my thumb against the small, almost completely hidden pad, and waited until it recognised my thumbprint and opened the hatch. I clambered into my sanctuary and closed myself off from the outside world. I liked my cockpit. I was in complete control here, no fears or worries or uncertainties. I was safe and protected here. It was sanctuary in every sense of the word.   
  
Sighing, I let my head fall back against the headrest and started up just enough systems to play some music, a compilation album of softly-sung songs by female artists. I may not go Duo's extremes to avoid it, but I didn't like silence, so I often had soft music playing in the background, nothing that was too distracting, just enough to fill the quiet.   
  
Gods, I couldn't handle this. I couldn't be in love. It was not an emotion I did. I did happiness and anger and sadness and apathy and guilt but I didn't do love. It wasn't allowed. It was against all the rules. And why DUO? Yes, I cared about him, but I liked him as a FRIEND, or maybe a distant brother, or something like that, but I didn't love him.   
  
*But you are attracted to him,* a little voice in the back of my head said. *You dream about him, about how it would feel to be with him...*  
  
*That's just lust, dammit!* I mentally snapped at the voice. *Lust is not love, and I would never even think of trying to make those... fantastic dreams a reality. He'd slug me!*  
  
*Are you sure?*  
  
*Of course I'm fucking sure! He sees me as the enemy now!*  
  
*And that hurts, doesn't it? You don't want him to hate you. You want him to lo-*  
  
*Shut up!*  
  
In an attempt to stop arguing with myself, I started playing a different album, one Duo had given me to 'pretty please play it in battle, because I just bought it and it rocks and it so gets my blood pumping but 'Scythe's stereo system is busted, man, and I can't play it, and I'll be your best friend forever'. He'd said those last three words in a little-kid kind of voice, adding an extra 'r' to make it forev-err instead of forever.   
  
I shook my head to clear away those memories and listened as Linkin Park's Meteora album started. He had asked me specifically to play track nine if it looked like we were gonna finish the battle before then. I never had played the track. Deathscythe had taken a nasty hit and knocked Duo out. I'd had to protect him and get him back to the safe house, so I'd turned off the music at track seven.   
  
Curious to hear what Duo deemed 'the best track on the entire album, man, it like, totally rocks', I skipped the rest of the tracks to 'Breaking the Habit'.  
  
Memories consume  
  
Like opening the wound  
  
I'm picking me apart again  
  
You all assume  
  
I'm safe here in my room  
  
(Unless I try to start again)  
  
I don't want to be the one  
  
The battles always choose  
  
'Cause inside I realise  
  
That I'm the one confused  
  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
  
Or why I have to scream  
  
I don't know why I instigate  
  
And say what I don't mean  
  
I don't know how I got this way  
  
I know it's not alright  
  
So I'm  
  
Breaking the habit  
  
Tonight  
  
Clutching my cure  
  
I tightly lock the door  
  
I try to catch my breath again  
  
I hurt much more  
  
Than anytime before  
  
I have no options left again  
  
I'll paint it on the walls  
  
'Cause I'm the one at fault  
  
I'll never fight again  
  
And this is how it ends  
  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
  
Or why I have to scream  
  
But now I have some clarity  
  
To show you what I mean  
  
I don't know how I got this way  
  
I'll never be alright  
  
So I'm breaking the habit  
  
Breaking the habit  
  
Tonight  
  
Oh dear Gods.   
  
That was my only thought. I just sat in stunned silence, only vaguely aware of track ten starting. I couldn't stop hearing the lyrics. They were... perfect. So bloody fucking accurate. He didn't know what was worth fighting for, he didn't know why the battles always chose him. Oh dear Gods.  
  
A distant part of my brain noted that the song was very nice and hoped that maybe Duo just like the rhythm and the way the guy sang, and that he didn't associate with the lyrics, but the rest of my brain was more realistic.   
  
What was I gonna do? Should I confront him? Should I tell the others? Should I ignore it? Gods, I felt so fucking... lost. I was not trained to deal with this crap. I didn't know shit about emotions and feelings and what the hell was I supposed to do?  
  
*Okay, calm down, Yuy, you can do this, you just have to focus. Now, what do you usually do when confronted with a new situation?*  
  
*Err... research?*  
  
*Good boy! You do research! So grab your laptop, start a search, and find out from professionals what you're supposed to do.*  
  
I was more than a little embarrassed that I hadn't thought to do research before now and only my strong will kept me from blushing. *Uh... right.*  
  
*Idiot.*  
  
*Shut up.*   
  
Shaking my head, I climbed out of the cockpit and jumped down to the ground, landing in a neat crouch. I walked back to the house to find that Duo was sitting in the kitchen with his laptop. He closed whatever he was working on as soon as I opened the door. He had his back to me and didn't turn around, just sat and offered me his back. That... hurt. A little twinge in my heart. I squashed that feeling before the little voice in the back of my head got started again.   
  
"Where's everyone else?" I asked, my voice calm and emotionless.  
  
"Wufei's out in Shenlong, Quatre and Trowa are upstairs."   
  
"Right."   
  
I was at the door before he spoke again, and his voice held such a hopeless, defeated tone that I'm pretty sure my heart skipped a beat.  
  
"I really need them, Heero."   
  
My breath caught in my throat and I closed my eyes. "I'm sorry, Duo. But I can't give them back. I can't let you continue hurting yourself."   
  
"Heero..."  
  
"I'm sorry." I walked out before I'd have to hear that defeated tone again, shutting myself away in my room. I threw myself on the bed and stared blankly at the ceiling for exactly eleven minutes and forty-six seconds, before rolling over to stare at the corner, at the tiny crack in the wall that held Duo's blades. They were so small and... delicate, yet they were causing so much pain and hurt and....  
  
Someone knocked on the door, jerking me out of my thoughts, and I growled something that might've been 'come in' or might've been 'fuck off'. I'm not entirely sure. Whatever I said, the door opened, and Trowa stepped in.  
  
"Wufei and I are leaving in a minute, but I wanted to tell you... watch Duo. Closely. Don't let him out of your sight." There was something... urgent in his green eyes, something desperate and afraid. It made me sit up as if someone had shot me.  
  
"Why? What's happened? Trowa?"  
  
"Nothing's happened, but I've been watching him. He's rubbing his hands against his jeans and fidgeting a lot. He's starting to get jittery. Keep him distracted. I've already told Quatre."  
  
Shit shit shit shit shit!  
  
"You have to stay," I found myself saying desperately. "You understand what he's going through. You have to stay."  
  
"I won't be any good, Heero, I never got to where he's at, and he doesn't need me, he needs you. Well, actually he needs his blades, but don't give them to him."  
  
"Of course not!"  
  
"Sorry. Look, just keep him distracted, alright? Play a game of chess or review some old missions, spar with him, anything, just don't let him be alone, and don't sit in silence. Silence is bad."  
  
He left before I could plead with him to stay. What the fuck did he mean he wouldn't be any good? I had no idea what to do! What if I screwed up? What if something happened? What if-  
  
*Quit with the what ifs and get down there and distract him!*  
  
*I really hate you, you know that?*  
  
*Well I think you're a self-absorbed idiot who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground, so we're even.*  
  
"I can't believe I'm arguing with myself," I muttered, stalking downstairs.   
  
Quatre and Duo were in the living room. The TV was on, and Quatre was giving a running commentary on the show. It was obvious Duo wasn't hearing him. He was indeed rubbing his hands against his jeans, and his feet seemed to be constantly moving, and he was gnawing on his lip so hard I was surprised he didn't draw blood.  
  
"Hey, Duo, do you want to play a game of chess?" I asked, and he looked at me with desperate eyes. He wouldn't beg me, not with Quatre in the room, but he made it clear what he wanted. Chess would not help, I saw that. He was too jittery for chess. Fuck!   
  
"Duo, you look tired, why don't you upstairs and rest?" Quatre suggested softly. "Heero, go put him in bed."  
  
He gave me a look that clearly said 'stay with him and help him' and I nodded. I put my hands on Duo's shoulders and led him up to his room. Yes, led. He was so damned... submissive. He just followed where I pushed him, and we laid on the bed together, much like we had before.   
  
I began humming the same tune, stroking his braid, and it was like something broke inside of him. He was suddenly trembling violently, clutching at me, pressing so very close to me.   
  
I may not admit it out loud, but I am perfectly capable of being scared, and I was terrified. I didn't know what to do, dammit!  
  
"Come on, Duo, just breathe with me. Come on, baby, just hold on, it'll pass, I promise. I'm sorry you have to go through this, baby, but it'll pass, just breathe."   
  
It was at that point that I realised I had called him baby and went back to humming.   
  
His skin was hot to the touch, but he was shivering madly as if he were cold. I didn't know if he needed a wet cloth on his brow or several thick blankets. His breath was coming in ragged gasps, ripped almost painfully from his throat, but he was breathing, so I couldn't complain too much. If he stopped breathing like last time, then I'd panic, but right now I had to maintain my calm, keep my focus. I had to be strong, because I was not only supporting myself now, I was supporting him. He couldn't take care of himself at the moment, so I had to do it for him, and dammit, I would not fail! I will never fail him!   
  
He mumbled words under his breath occasionally, and I didn't understand most of what I heard. 'Burns' 'itches' 'fire' 'bugs' 'hurts' 'need' 'help'.   
  
He only said help once, and it was the last word he did say, but it echoed in my mind. He'd asked for help. Not consciously, but he had asked for it. He wanted help. My help.   
  
"I'll help you, Duo," I whispered into his hair, closing my eyes. "I promise."   
  
It wasn't that easy. A promise of help didn't make his jitters pass. He held onto me and shivered, and sometimes I had to remind him to breathe when he stopped, but with the knowledge that he had asked for help held firmly in my mind, I was able to get through it, and more importantly, able to help him get through it. That's not to say that I wasn't still scared, I was, but it was a manageable fear now. I could work through it.   
  
The whole thing lasted maybe half an hour, but it seemed like an eternity. Eventually, though, he began to stop shivering, and just clutched at me. After a few moments, his breathing evened and he fell asleep. I didn't let go of him. I continued to hold him and sing to him and I swore that I would help him through this. And I whispered three very important words to him.   
  
"I love you."   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
AN: Arrrggghhh! Damn my frigging muse! Okay, before anyone yells at me, I did intend for Duo's little episode to be longer. I actually intended it to be the focus of the entire chapter. But, apparently, Duo's little episodes are easier to write from his point of view, so... I'm sorry. This chapter isn't at all what I planned for it to be, and I had no idea I was going to add in a song, which is bloody brilliant and everyone should listen to it to just get the feel for it, because I think it fits Duo rather well in this story. Anyway, once again, I am sorry for the shortness of the last little bit. 


	7. Chapter Seven

Notes: Duo's POV, and this is a seriously important chapter, people. Plus, this contains a seriously confused Duo, angst, emotional and mental pain, and... sap! I finally got to be sappy! Oh, and there are some brief mentions of yaoi in this, so if you can't handle that then LEAVE, because it will stop being 'brief mentions' and start being 'oh wow that's descriptive' in the next couple of chapters.  
  
Notes2: I wrote this in just under two hours, so please ignore any grammatical or spelling mistakes.  
  
Notes3: This chapter is dedicated to Joy2 and Mara202, for your lovely reviews. You guys are mainly responsible for the speed of this chapter being written, and a large part of the sappiness. Enjoy and review!  
  
I felt warm, sheltered and cherished. I was drifting in a pleasant oblivion, free of worries and pain and memories. I didn't want to wake up.   
  
Of course, as soon as I thought that, I started to wake up. I struggled to remain in that sweet nothingness, but my mind was dragged into consciousness, and I became aware of someone holding me. I knew who it was without opening my eyes, so I kept them closed. It was so very warm...   
  
"Just hold me," someone murmured, and I wondered briefly who it had been. Whoever it was, Heero obeyed and tightened his arms, holding me closely to his body. I snuggled closer still, wanting to bury myself in his peaceful warmth, to lose myself in his safe tenderness. Heero would not hurt me. I knew that now. He would protect me, comfort and support me. He would do all that because he cared.   
  
"What time is it?" I asked in a quiet murmur, my speech slurred slightly. I was beyond tired, beyond exhausted, but I knew that if he were holding me like he was, then I'd had another breakdown, and had probably been asleep for a while.   
  
"Around midnight." His voice was as quiet as mine, but filled with some emotion I couldn't name.  
  
"Oh."   
  
"Are you... alright?"   
  
I had to think about that for a while. I was exhausted, and my head was thumping painfully, and the cuts on my arms were in that awful itchy stage, but... I was thinking coherently, and I wasn't consumed by the urge to cut, so I guess I was okay, all things considered.  
  
"I guess so."  
  
"Are you hungry?"  
  
"Not really."   
  
He sighed, though I felt it more than heard it. "Duo, you should eat something."   
  
"I'm really not hungry, Heero."   
  
He sighed again, but let it go. "Alright. Why don't you go have a shower and I'll make us some coffee?"   
  
A shower sounded glorious, but... "Everyone's asleep. I don't wanna wake them."   
  
"Quatre's watching old movies in the living room, and Wufei and Trowa aren't back from their mission yet."   
  
"What?" I raised my head to look at him for the first time. "The mission was supposed to be a simple search and destroy. They've been gone twelve hours."  
  
"According to Wufei, it should've taken them three hours to get there and three hours back, so it's really only six hours, but you're right, they've been gone too long. Quatre's got his radio with him, but they haven't called. It's probably nothing."  
  
"Hm." I frowned, but then let it go. If it was an emergency, they'd call. I reluctantly left Heero's comforting embrace and stretched. My muscles were all achy and tired, but a shower and a few cups of coffee should fix that.   
  
I looked at Heero then, really looked at him. He was lying comfortably on the bed, easy and relaxed, one arm draped across his stomach, where it had fallen when I removed myself from his arms. His bangs obscured his midnight blue eyes, which were watching me with a kind of lazy intent. He was only wearing a pair of ratty jeans and a loose white tank top, but... he looked gorgeous, breathtaking and devastatingly handsome, like some kind of fallen angel or disgraced God. He looked like someone who looked out on the world and it was beneath him, someone who was superior to them but didn't want to be, because it was lonely where he was. He was a lost soul yearning for a home, for somewhere to belong, but afraid that when, if, he finally found it, he would lose it.   
  
"Something wrong?" he asked quietly, and I blushed when I realised I'd been staring at him.   
  
"No, I was just... thinking." I left before I embarrassed myself further, hiding away in the bathroom. Gods, what was wrong with me? Yeah I thought Heero was good-looking, but I've never noticed him so strongly before and I've NEVER let him see just how gorgeous I thought he was.   
  
Leaning against the door, I took a deep breath and let it out. I had to control myself better than this. Now was really not the time for me to drool over Heero's luscious body. I mean, I hated him, right? He's the bastard that took my blades. He was causing me all this pain.   
  
And yet... I couldn't hate him, not really. I was pissed, yeah, and hurt, but... a part of me, way deep down, buried under the anger and resentment understood that... he was helping me. It hurt now, but it would get better. He was hurting me to help me. I understood that, but my heart, or my head, wouldn't let me believe it.   
  
So, put shortly, I was a mess. I thought he was gorgeous and knew that he was helping me, but he was a bastard for taking away my blades and hurting me, yet by hurting me he was helping me, but he didn't have any right to take my blades away, but...   
  
Okay, this was going nowhere. If I couldn't figure out how I felt about Heero, I'd just ignore it. I was a master of that.   
  
I pulled off my clothes, ignoring the tingle of pain from the deepest cut on my arm. After making sure the door was locked, I stepped into the tub and turned on the water, not evading the burst of icy cold, but letting it beat down on me, chilling me and waking me up. Then the hot water kicked in and I was in heaven. The hot water pounded against my skin, hurting the cuts but massaging everything else.   
  
For a full five minutes, I just stood there, braced against the tile wall, letting the water pour over my aching muscles, surrendering myself to the relaxing heat. How something could be relaxing and stimulating at the same time I didn't know, but this was.   
  
Fifteen minutes later, I emerged out of the bathroom, with a towel around my waist and another around my hair. The cuts on my arms were painfully visible, but Heero had already seen them.   
  
I don't think Heero had moved at all in the time I'd been gone. He was still sprawled on the bed like some dark temptation you knew you would give in to eventually. He eyes tracked my movements as I grabbed clothes from my dresser and sat down on the edge of the bed to towel dry my hair a little bit.   
  
Having him watch me so intently was... odd. It was a sort of tingle along my skin, half uncomfortable and half exciting. Like so many things about Heero, it just totally confused me.   
  
After putting on black boxers, black cargos, and a black long-sleeved tee shirt with a faded grey skull on the front, I picked up my brush and began to do my hair. It was relatively tangle-free, but it still took a little while just for the pure length of it. It was still damp, though not dripping, so I left it unbraided for a few moments.   
  
Swivelling round, I looked at Heero and tried to decide what to say. I still didn't know what to think about him. Part of me wanted to thank him and part of me wanted to curse him. Part of me wanted to nestle in his embrace and part of me wanted to slug him. Part of me wanted to never leave his sight and part of me wanted to hide from him forever.   
  
"I'm so confused," someone whispered, and it took me a second to realise that it was me.   
  
"I'm sorry."   
  
"Tell me..." Tell me what to feel. Tell me how you feel. Tell me everything I want to hear. Tell me soothing lies. Tell me painful truths. Tell me everything. Tell me nothing.   
  
"I'm sorry."   
  
I smiled bitterly. "I know that. I want to forgive you, Heero, and part of me does, but... part of me can't. I can't handle this."   
  
He was silent for a moment, watching me with that casual fierceness, and then seemed to come to a decision. He sat up without using his hands and said, "You braid your hair, I'll make coffee, and we can go watch movies with Quatre. Okay?"  
  
I nodded, more than willing to ignore the whirlwind of confusion inside me. He gave me the barest of smiles and then was gone.   
  
I blinked and touched my unbound hair. I never let anyone see me with my hair down. Ever. But I hadn't thought twice about it five minutes ago. I wanted to pretend it was the throbbing headache I had, or the exhaustion, or the confusion, but... the rest of me was more realistic. I knew that I had done it because I wanted him to see me with my hair down.   
  
"Damn I'm fucked up," I whispered to the empty room, and began braiding my hair, though it was still damp. My toes were cold, so I pulled on a pair of socks before walking downstairs.   
  
Heero immediately handed me a large cup of coffee. He didn't say anything, didn't even look at me all that much, for which I was extremely thankful. I may have accepted that Heero cared for me, but I still didn't know how I felt about him.   
  
Quatre was currently watching something called 'The Matrix'. The special effects were fairly decent, though in their time they were state-of-the-art, and the idea for the movie was pretty cool, and the Trinity babe was hot, though I preferred Switch, and it was just the sort of movie I'd normally love.   
  
But tonight, I just wasn't interested. My eyes kept straying to Heero, drinking in the sight of him as he curled up in the armchair, legs tucked underneath himself, the golden light from the lamp playing over the bare skin of his arms....   
  
I shook my head and tried to force my mind away from Heero. It didn't work too well. I was sort of hypersensitive to him, aware of his every breath, his every move... I could probably have told you his blood pressure.   
  
Gods, I did not need this. I really, really did not.   
  
"Duo, you okay?" Quatre asked, looking at me with a slight frown, and I gave him a smile.  
  
"Yeah, just got a killer headache."   
  
"Want some aspirin?"   
  
"Nah, I'll be fine. It'll fade in a little bit."   
  
"If you're sure." Quatre glanced at the clock and noted with a deeper frown that it was twenty-seven minutes past midnight. "They should be back by now," he murmured, more to himself than either me or Heero.   
  
"They'll be fine," I assured him. "I mean, with Trowa's ammunition, Wufei's flamethrower, and their training, determination and stubbornness, they can handle a simple mission."  
  
"But it shouldn't be taking this long!"   
  
There wasn't much else I could say, so I just shut up and tried to send a telepathic message to Trowa to get his butt back here before he gave Quatre an ulcer.   
  
Heero blinked and raised his head suddenly, apparently listening for something. Then he smiled.  
  
"They're back," he stated. Quatre leapt up and ran to the back door. Heero and I followed at a more stately pace, and arrived to see Trowa walk in, half carrying Wufei. There was blood staining his left arm and side.   
  
"Holy shit, what the fuck happened?" I exclaimed, rushing to take over carrying Wufei, as Trowa was obviously tired.  
  
"Control panel shard hit his shoulder. He needs a medic, and I'm not good enough."  
  
"Quatre, call Sally, tell her to get to the town ASAP, then go and meet her," Heero snapped. "Duo, bring him upstairs."  
  
I nodded, struggling through the kitchen door with Wufei. He was semi-conscious and trying to walk on his own, but only managing to sort of shuffle his feet. He was a few pounds heavier than me, and one inch taller, so going up the stairs was not the easiest thing, but I managed it.   
  
Lying Wufei as gently as I could on the bed, I stripped off his shirt and examined the wound. It was bad, extremely so. The piece of control panel must've been big and it looked as if it had gone right through his shoulder joint. If he still had use of the arm, which was uncertain, he'd have to work with it constantly, and it was gonna hurt like hell for months, not to mention the fact that it'll have to be immobilised, which means he won't be able to go on missions...   
  
"This is bad," I muttered to Heero, grabbing the wet cloth he handed me and beginning to clean the wound. "This is really, really bad."  
  
"Hai."   
  
"How long till Sally gets here, d'ya think?"  
  
"An hour, tops, if she knows what's good for her."  
  
"Plus, Quatre will say it's Wufei who's been hurt, and you know she has a soft spot for him."  
  
"Hn."  
  
"He's gonna be out of commission for weeks."  
  
"Hai."  
  
"And even then it'll have to be light duties."   
  
"Hai."  
  
"So unless OZ decides to lay low for a while, we're gonna be busy."  
  
"Hai."   
  
Okay, I didn't like seeing Wufei hurt, and I wasn't really having a good time thinking about all the possible consequences of this wound, but... it was kinda nice to have my mind occupied by something other than my problems. I know that sounds nuts and kinda... whatever, but there wasn't any room in my head for thoughts other than Wufei at that moment, and that was nice. I couldn't think about the confusion inside me or anything, I had to focus entirely on Wufei. And so did Heero. Which meant that whatever was happening between us was being forgotten briefly. For that, I was thankful.  
  
~*~  
  
Sally arrived with her mission face on and her bag in her hand. She completely ignored us and went straight to Wufei, examining the wound and muttering to herself. As we were Gundam pilots, we didn't have physical files or charts as it was too much of a security risk, so she just kept them in her head. She was the only doctor to ever treat us, and was the only person outside us and the Doctors that we trusted with classified information. This made her very important. Did she care? No. I liked that.   
  
"Alright, I'll need an assistant. Duo, get your ass over here and help me."   
  
Immediately obeying the tone of command in her voice, I stepped to her side and waited for instructions. She'd already cleaned the wound and just needed to stitch it up, and then immobilise it.  
  
"How long's he been out of it?" she asked, getting the suture kit from her bag.  
  
"About seventy minutes."  
  
She nodded and grabbed a hypodermic needle and a small vial. Filling the needle with a clear fluid, she swabbed his arm with alcohol and injected him.  
  
"That should keep him under for about two hours. I'll give him some blood once I've stitched this up. Seeing as how drugs don't really work on you guys, I expect him to fidget, and it's your job to keep him still. If he moves that shoulder at all I will hold you personally responsible. Got it?"  
  
I nodded and put my arms on Wufei's shoulders, above the wound, holding him down gently but firmly. Sally began to stitch him up, swabbing between stitches to keep the wound relatively clear of blood.   
  
As Sally had said, drugs didn't work too well on us, especially when people are doing things to our body, and Wufei began to struggle immediately. I held him down, getting a venomous glare from Sally, and began murmuring to him that he was safe.   
  
When she'd stitched up the front of the wound, Sally had Heero help her roll him over, and began on his back, shaking her head in annoyance at the idiotic lack of self-preservation tendencies of Gundam pilots when she noticed some tearing around the edges, evidence that Wufei had fought on with the wound. Piloting a Gundam is hard, there's lots of force and weight involved, and with this kind of wound...   
  
"Someday I am going to come here and find out that you've tried to pilot your Gundams with one hand ripped off and you'll just say 'oh, it'll be alright'," she muttered, jerking the needle a little roughly. "I swear, if you guys weren't so damned important I would lock you all in a hospital until you learned to take better care of yourselves. It's a wonder you haven't been permanently injured by now. But no, you just fall down fucking cliffs and walk away without a care in the world giving me a heart attack. I thought that maybe Quatre would be more sensible, but no, he has to continue piloting his damned Gundam when his arm's broken in three places! Alright, it's stitched."   
  
Putting away the suture equipment, she swathed his shoulder in bandages and then taped his arm to his chest, making sure it was all secure. She quickly hooked him up to a packet of blood, and then began putting away her stuff. She fixed all four of us with a passionate glare.  
  
"I'm coming back in one week and if I find out that he has removed the bandages, piloted his Gundam, done any strenuous exercises, and not gotten enough sleep, I will personally circumcise each and every one of you WITHOUT anaesthesia. Got it?"   
  
We all nodded seriously, having no doubt that she would carry through on her stretch, and she nodded herself, digging around in her bag.  
  
"Good. I'm leaving him some painkillers, pretty strong ones, and I advise him to use them, though I doubt he will. One a day, no more. Any complications, call me."   
  
Leaving a small bottle of pills on the nightstand, she stood up and looked at us. She sighed and shook her head.  
  
"Dammit, I understand that you guys are Gundam pilots, but you're only kids, alright? Try and take care of yourselves. Especially you," she added to Heero. "I am fed up of Duo calling me and saying that you've just set a broken bone or stitched yourself up and asking if you're gonna be alright. If you absolutely HAVE to get injured, either let Trowa or me treat you. Okay?"  
  
Not waiting for an answer, she stalked out of the bedroom, with Quatre and Trowa following her. Heero looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I blushed, staring at my shoes.  
  
"I... get worried," I mumbled.   
  
"Hm."   
  
"It's just... you don't..." I shook my head, waving my hands to try and brush the conversation away. "Never mind. I want coffee and aspirin. My head STILL hurts!"   
  
I fled downstairs, intent on getting aforementioned coffee and aspirin and curling up on the sofa to watch more old movies. The first part of the plan went well, but when I went into the living room with my lovely cup of coffee, I found Quatre and Trowa already curled up on the sofa, whispering to each other and kissing. Quatre's hand was already under Trowa's shirt.   
  
I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Guys, take it upstairs, yeah? I wanna watch TV."   
  
Quatre blushed, removing his hand from Trowa's shirt, while Trowa just smirked at me.   
  
"Sorry, Duo," Quatre mumbled, standing up and pulling Trowa with him.   
  
"Forgiven." I settled down to watch The Lion King, sipping my coffee and absently noting that cute little baby Simba looked really scared as Rafikki the Baboon held him up. Couldn't blame the little tyke, really.   
  
Just when Mufasa was explaining about the Circle of Life, Heero came and sat on the sofa, and once again, I couldn't really focus on the movie. Dammit, did he know what he was doing to me? Was he playing with me? Was he oblivious?   
  
"You're frowning," Heero muttered suddenly, and I sighed.   
  
"I'm just... thinking."  
  
"Want to share?"  
  
"Not really. I think I'm gonna go upstairs and lie down for a little." Taking my coffee with me, I stood up and walked out, but instead of going into my room, I found myself walking into Heero's. Don't ask me why, I don't know.   
  
Sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed, with the quilt wrapped around my shoulders and bunched in my lap, I sipped my coffee and tried to think. That was harder than you'd think.   
  
Eventually, I figured out that I was seriously fucked.   
  
Sighing, I let my eyes wander the room, memorising every little smudge and stain on the walls, every little crack and crease in the faded wallpaper.   
  
That was when I noticed something odd in the crack in the corner. All the other cracks were dark and sort of blackish, yet there was something white in this one. Maybe a hidden love note from this place's old owners?   
  
Grinning, I stood up and knelt down by the crack. The crack was small, and it required the use of my lockpicks to grab the object. It wasn't a hidden love note.   
  
I stared in sick fascination at the paper-wrapped razor blade. I'd found them. I had actually found them. I could cut again. Nothing was stopping me now. That thought alone trigged the urge, making my skin burn and crawl, making my hands shake with need.   
  
I desperately pushed up my left sleeve, baring my scared arm. Hastily unwrapping the beautiful blade, I held it in my hand and placed it against my skin. With one quick jerking motion, I cut my arm open, watching the blood well up and trickle down my arm.   
  
I stared at the blood, and a wave of... revulsion overwhelmed me. Oh God, what the fuck was I doing? This wasn't normal, wasn't sane, it was... stupid. It was stupid and wrong and... oh dear God, what was I doing?  
  
With a harsh scream, I hurled the bloodied blade across the room and began to cry, tears splashing onto my cheeks, as I stared at the blood on my arm, the blood that I had shed willingly, even urgently, just to take away the pain inside me.   
  
The door opened and I heard a confused, "Duo?" that was followed by a sickening silence.   
  
"H-H-Help me," I pleaded, raising my eyes to look at him. "Please, Heero, help me."   
  
He fell to his knees and wrapped his arms around me, surrounding me with his warmth and his protection. I sank into his embrace with a deep shudder, clinging to him, unaware and uncaring that I was staining his shirt with blood.   
  
All I could think was... what was wrong with me? And would I get better? 


	8. Chapter Eight

Notes: This is Duo POV again, even though it should be Heero if I follow the pattern I set. This chapter didn't end up being at all what I planned, but that's nothing unusual. Anyway, Duo may have asked for help, but he hasn't decided yet if he will accept that help. This chapter deals with what he will do. It may seem that his thoughts jump around and contradict each other a lot, but that's how this chapter somehow got written, and I think it actually works, because Duo really isn't thinking straight right now. Enjoy and review!  
  
I was completely appalled at myself. Was I really that stupid? Why had it taken me so long to realise that what I was doing was wrong? Why had I refused Heero's help? Why had I run so hard from the comfort he offered me? Why did I have to be so fucking weak?   
  
I was curled on Heero's bed, my arm stinging sharply, and Heero was spooning me from behind, his body pressed tight against mine, sheltering me and protecting me. He'd left for two seconds, to fetch the med kit, so that he could clean and bandage my arm, and then hadn't left my side. That had been two hours ago. We had spent the majority of that time on the bed, and I didn't intend on moving any time soon.  
  
I felt... warm. I could feel Heero behind me, not just with my skin, but with something else, some sixth sense I'd picked up in my short but hard years of live as a street rat and Gundam pilot. I could feel him, a comforting presence that wouldn't hurt me, but help me. He would help me because he cared.   
  
That seemed like such a simple concept, but it really wasn't. Because only three other people have cared about me as much as Heero did. They were all dead, and it was all my fault. That had caused me to reject comfort and compassion, because I was terrified of what might happen to them. But Heero hadn't cared about that. He had cared more about me than himself. He... cared.   
  
I didn't feel worthy of his compassion. I mean, he was so strong and brave and determined and who was I? A worthless little street rat who could only survive if he slashed his own arms with a razor blade.   
  
"I'm sorry," I whispered, not really meaning to, and I felt him shift slightly behind me, his arms tightening.  
  
"For what?"   
  
".... Everything."  
  
I could almost feel the tender smile on his lips, and he dropped a kiss on the back of my head. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Duo. This isn't your fault."  
  
That was kind of a stupid thing to say, because it was my fault. I had chosen to cut, chosen to lie. No one had forced me to do all those stupid things I'd done, no one had pressured me into it. No, I'd done it of my own free will. And that made it entirely my fault.  
  
"Stop it," Heero commanded in a whisper. "Stop blaming yourself, Duo. Just focus on getting better."   
  
That was easier said than done. Even now, my skin tingled with the faint urge to cut, even though my arm still hurt from the latest cut. The bloody razor blade was lying on the floor under the window, the light glinting off the metal and highlighting the blood. It called to me, whispering a soft song of seduction and enticement. What was I without that blade? I couldn't survive without it, I knew that. The blade was a part of me, buried deep in my soul, slowly cutting into it as I cut my arms. To throw away the blade would be to throw away my life, or at least what I called a life. Without that blade, I would just sink, deeper and deeper, into an endless torment of misery and pain, of depression and suffering.  
  
"Dammit, Duo, would you stop that?" Heero asked, giving me a little shake. I had no idea how he knew what I was thinking, but didn't really care. "You are sick, Duo, and you can get better, you WILL get better, because I'm here to help you. Alright?"  
  
Heero was here... to help me. Heero would not leave me. Heero would help me. Heero cared about me. Yes, Heero... help me... care for me... Heero.   
  
~*~  
  
I woke up feeling groggy and disorientated. I was in a very familiar and very nice position, in Heero's arms, but it took me a second to remember why. The stinging in my arm finally jogged me memory, and I cringed as the scene replayed in my mind.   
  
Very slowly, I turned my head and found out that Heero was asleep. He looked... different when he slept. Sort of relaxed and... innocent. I know, it's virtually impossible for Heero to appear innocent, because he's got that look of violence and mayhem, but that's only when he's awake. When he's asleep, he isn't concentrating on how he looks, and the lines in his face smoothed out, giving him a peaceful expression. His lips were half-parted, and I was taken with the urge to kiss him.   
  
I blinked at that, not because of the urge itself, but because of the thought that maybe Heero wouldn't mind. Since when did I ever think Heero would do anything other than slug me if I tried to kiss him?   
  
Perhaps sensing that I was awake, Heero twitched and opened his eyes. My breath caught in my throat at the sight of those deep midnight blue eyes. There were thousands of shades of blue in the world, used for various things, but that particular shade of blue was just for Heero. You could search the entire world for that colour and find it only in Heero's eyes. I was sure of it.   
  
"Is something wrong?" he asked quietly, frowning slightly.  
  
I actually smiled. "No, nothing. Just... hold me."   
  
"Always."   
  
We lay in silence for a while, and then I turned to face him again. "Heero?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I'm gonna get better, right?"   
  
Something strange seeped into his eyes then, something like pain, and I frowned at it. "Yes, l-Duo. You'll get better."   
  
"And... you'll help me, right?"   
  
"Yeah, I'll help you."  
  
It took more effort than I thought it would to say the actual words, because I had denied help for so long, but I eventually managed to mumble a quiet but sincere, "Thank you."   
  
"Why do you find it so hard to accept help, Duo?"  
  
I had to think about that one. Refusing help had been something I'd done for so long, I'd forgotten the reason for it. Then I remembered. Like most things ingrained in my personality and responses, it was from the streets of L2.   
  
"When I was little, no one gave help freely. If they gave you an apple or a blanket or a drink or a couple of creds, they always wanted something in return, usually something painful and unpleasant, and you couldn't escape it. I learned not to accept anything from anyone, because while sometimes they would get nasty and take payment whether you took what they offered or not, sometimes they just gave up and went away. So, I don't accept help anymore, because you never know what someone will want in return."   
  
He was quiet for a moment as he digested that, and then he said, "I'm sorry."   
  
I didn't know what he was apologising for, so I didn't say anything.   
  
"I won't take anything from you, Duo. My help comes obligation-free. Are you hungry?"  
  
As if on cue, my stomach gurgled, and I grimaced. "Yeah, kinda."  
  
"Let's get you a snack, then."   
  
He untangled himself from me and stood up, pulling me with him. Though it would've made more sense to grab my left hand, as I was lying on my right side, he took my right hand. Using my left arm and hand too much today would just cause extra pain. Heero knew that, and he had respected that. A lot of people wouldn't have. I smiled at him.   
  
He smiled back and we walked downstairs, careful not to make too much noise, as Quatre and Trowa were in bed, and Wufei was still unconscious. He made me sit at the table while he cooked me some chicken soup. I watched him as he moved around the kitchen, admiring the easy gracefulness that he had.   
  
"You're not making anything for yourself," I said, when he only took out one bowl and spoon, with two slices of bread.  
  
"I'm not hungry."  
  
I frowned at that, but didn't push it. "Wufei should be waking up soon," I said by way of changing the subject. Though, technically we hadn't been on a subject, so I guess I was just avoiding a subject. That made sense in my head.  
  
"Exhaustion and pain should keep him out for about an extra half hour."   
  
"Hm. He's not gonna be in a good mood when he wakes up."  
  
"The mission was successful and both he and Trowa are alive." There was that tone in his voice that he gets when he doesn't understand something. Emotions sometimes confused Heero.  
  
"Yeah, but he fucked up, at least in his eyes. He got wounded and Trowa had to cover for him. That's a serious blow to his pride, and he's gonna be sulky."   
  
"Hn. Eat."   
  
I dutifully tore off a piece of bread and dunked it in the soup. Popping it into my mouth, I made appreciative 'mmm' noises. It was really tasty and I was very hungry, so I ended up asking for three more slices of bread. Heero gave them to me with a weird little smile.  
  
After I'd eaten, I washed up the bowl and spoon and left them to dry. Heero followed my movements with that lazy intent of his, the one that sent tingles up my spine.   
  
"I'm gonna go visit Wufei, alright?" I asked, and he frowned, obviously not wanting to let me out of his sight, but also knowing that he couldn't stay with me 24/7.   
  
Wufei was sort of twitching, tiny little moans escaping his lips, and I knew he was struggling to wake up.  
  
"Come on, Wufei, just stay asleep," I murmured, brushing a strand of jet-black hair out of his face. "It's easier than being awake, and you need the rest. Just sleep, Wufei."   
  
A small frown creased his brow, but he stopped twitching and muttering. I think he actually trusted me. Go figure.   
  
I'd asked for help, despite all my instincts not to, and Heero had responded to that plea with kindness and comfort. But would I actually get better? And how long would Heero's compassion last? My problems were... complex, to say the least. It would not be easy to untangle and solve them. Well, perhaps solve isn't the right word, because I knew I would never be completely free of the blade, so maybe diminish would be the right word.   
  
Would Heero stick with me through all the pain and suffering I knew I was about to face? Would I be able to stick with me? I am not a masochist, and I really wasn't looking forward to the long road ahead of me. It would be so much easier to just ignore my problems and carry on the way I was.   
  
The only downside to my cutting was the scars. I really didn't like them. But I had other scars, scars earned in the war and from the streets. It was easy to ignore them. I didn't really care what my body looked like, and anyone else who chanced to see them could just go fuck themselves.   
  
But it wasn't the physical scars I didn't like, because as I said I didn't care about that. No, I hated what the scars represented. They said that I was weak and pathetic, that the only way I could survive was with the blade.   
  
So, I had two choices. I could a) walk the hard road ahead of me and hope I survived to break free of the blade, or b) carry on the way I was going, and have the scars marring my arms whisper and scream at me about how weak and pathetic I was.  
  
Neither choice sounded attractive and I wished for a compromise, but I knew that this was one of those all-or-nothing choices. I either did this or I didn't. I wanted to do it, but wasn't sure I was strong enough, and if I tried but wasn't strong enough, it would just be worse than if I hadn't tried at all.  
  
I sighed and looked at Wufei. He could do this, and I wished for some of that awesome strength he possessed. His strength wasn't like Heero, Mr. I-Bend-Steel-Bars; no, his strength was driven by pain and fury, and sometimes was scarier than Heero's.   
  
Heero would do what he had to because it was all he knew. Wufei would do what he had to because he couldn't not do it, his honour or his pride or whatever it was wouldn't let him. Or, that's what I had thought, and it was partly true, but the other reason he wouldn't be able to walk away was his wife, Meiran. I didn't know much about her, but he had talked to me once, actually talked, and I had learned of the strong and rebellious girl he had been honoured to call wife, and I knew that he was doing this, suffering all this shit, to avenge her death.   
  
I was fighting for Solo and Father Maxwell and Sister Helen. He was fighting for Meiran. That common thread, that bond, meant that sometimes, I found Wufei's presence more comforting than Heero's, because he understood what drove me, whereas Heero didn't. People live and people die, lives are cheap, that was all he understood. But Wufei understood that a person may die physically, but they never die as long as your remember and cherish them. He understood the ghosts that haunted me, the ghosts that wouldn't let me quit.   
  
And that is the precise moment that I made my decision. Solo wouldn't have quit, he would've looked at the long, hard road and sneered. Father Maxwell wouldn't have quit. He would have looked at the long, hard road and just graciously accepted it. Sister Helen wouldn't have quit. She would have looked at the long, hard road and smiled, believing that anything was possible, if you just had enough faith and compassion.   
  
I missed them, the three people I had dared to call family, but they never left me, not completely. They were always there, at the edges of my mind, with Solo cheering me on, Father Maxwell scolding me to take better care of myself, and Sister Helen comforting me and reading me bedtime stories.   
  
They would have been appalled at what I had become. They had all believed in me, so much, seen something in me that I hadn't seen. It was for them that I would do this. I would do this, because they believed I could. 


	9. CHapter Nine

Notes: Heero POV. I started writing this after a horrible bout of writer's block, so it may not be as good as the previous chapters, but it does include a confession of love and... drum roll please... a kiss!! Yay!  
  
Notes2: www. palace.net/ ~llama/ psych/ injury. html is a real site (take out the spaces, it's the only way i could get it to show), and actually quite good. If you do self-harm, it's a good site to visit, it may help you understand what you're going through a little better. The information I got on self-harm being psychologically addictive was from someone's LJ, so I can't give a reference, but I did not write it and it is true. Apparently. And yes, I have an emergency box that I haven't actually had to open yet, but it's a good idea to have one. Anyway, enjoy and review!   
  
The day passed slowly. Wufei had finally woken up and was definitely not happy, spending most of his time locked away in his bedroom. Trowa seemed to have hidden the fact that his chest and back were covered in bruises, so he got a lecture from Quatre while said blonde rubbed witch hazel on the bruises.   
  
And Duo... was confusing. He seemed to have made some decision, while sitting with Wufei, but I don't think that decision really pleased him. He seemed very... unsure, hesitant, and just a bit scared. I think I understood why.   
  
He had asked for help, and was apparently willing to accept it, to try and get better, but it wouldn't be easy. He knew that the only way he was going to heal would be to talk about every single one of his problems, he knew he'd have to bare his soul to me and pray I didn't judge him. He knew that we faced a long journey full of tears and pain and shame.   
  
And as much as I wanted to start the healing, I gave him the day to adjust. I didn't exactly leave him alone, but I didn't really hover either, just letting him know that I was there. He seemed to appreciate that, and I caught him just looking at me a couple of times, but he quickly looked away when he saw that I had noticed. There was something in his eyes, some shadow of emotion, that I had a hard time reading.   
  
After a very quiet, very uncomfortable dinner, Wufei decided to actually socialise with the rest of us. Sort of. He curled up in the corner of the living room and read a book while the rest of us watched the news.   
  
I realised that I had never actually done any research on self-harming, and got out my laptop to start. If I was going to help Duo, I needed to know something about what he was going through. After logging onto the Net, I ran a search on Google for the term 'self-injury'. I got a total of 109, 000 results, and clicked on the first link, www .palace.net/ ~llama/ psych/ injury. html . The first thing that caught my eye was a questionnaire, and after a moment's thought, I downloaded it onto my laptop for a later date. It would be... interesting to see what Duo's answers were, but I knew the questions would be hard for him, and we had to go slow.   
  
However, it quickly became obvious that this site was for people with milder problems than Duo, people who lived ordinary lives or had some singular trauma in their past. It would not be helpful to Duo, who lived anything but a normal life, and had repeated traumas in his past, present, and most probably, his future.  
  
I left the site and went to find some more information, something that would better help me understand just how to help someone with Duo's extreme problems.  
  
I'd been searching for half an hour before I finally found my answer. With one simple paragraph, I understood that Duo's problems were not going to be solved by a few heart-to-hearts.  
  
'Self harm can be addictive. It can be psychologically addictive (especially if someone comes to rely on it as their only coping mechanism) and the body's hormonal responses to the action can be physically addictive. And okay, in this case, self harm may be (or become) the sole problem and stopping the self harm may stop the problem.'  
  
Duo was addicted to cutting, just like a drug or alcohol. He was suffering from withdrawal. His body was being denied what it craved, what it needed to survive.   
  
I glanced at Duo, studying his profile as he watched the TV. It was dark, but no one had bothered to turn on the lights, too engrossed in the vampire movie they were watching. The flickering light from the TV danced over his skin, sometimes highlighting his violet eyes, sometimes hiding them in shadow.   
  
Did he realise just how dependent he was on cutting? I reasoned that he probably did, judging by his reactions when I had first taken away his blades, and how he reacted when he needed to cut but couldn't. He had to know that he was addicted. The question was, could he really beat the addiction? It wasn't as simple as alcohol or drugs, which are complicated enough, because he was cutting for a reason. Cutting was his way of coping, his only way of coping, and he had to find other methods of dealing with his life.   
  
That made me pause and think. It was a fairly safe bet that it was his life as a Gundam pilot that was causing him to cut, right? Well, I was a Gundam pilot, too. How did I cope with my life? Why didn't I cut up my arms?   
  
"Heero, you're frowning, is something wrong?" Quatre asked, and I glanced at him.  
  
"No, nothing. Just thinking."  
  
He nodded and let it drop. I looked at Duo again, and he quickly looked away. Why did he keep doing that? Why did he keep sneaking glances at me and then looking away as if embarrassed? Did he regret asking for help? Was he worried about how I would react to his problems? Did he still blame me for taking away his blades?   
  
"This movie is completely pointless," Wufei growled, speaking for the first time since he'd settled down with his book. I saw Duo smile out of the corner of my eye, and knew that he was relieved that Wufei had spoken.   
  
"Well, it's not really supposed to be all deep and philosophical," he quipped. "It's supposed to be something you can laugh at and joke about later. Or, it's supposed to be for young teens to see so they can make out and not worry about missing the movie. Either works fine."   
  
"Young teens do WHAT?"  
  
Duo snickered, and elaborated. "Young teens go to boring or completely crap movies that they really don't want to see because the theatre is dark and private and they sit in the back row and make out for the duration. They used to go to interesting movies with the intention of actually watching it, but then the guy, or girl if she was bold enough, would make some small move, perhaps put his arm around her, and they would snuggle, and they'd end up making out and missing the movie. So, after a while, they just go to crap movies. If they end up actually watching it, they can laugh about it later and shit, but if they don't, no harm done. Completely logical."   
  
"That is complete rubbish!"  
  
"So? That doesn't stop it from being logical."   
  
Wufei muttered something under his breath, but didn't argue. I watched as Duo grinned and turned his attention back to the movie. I smiled slightly and turned my attention back to my laptop.   
  
If Duo was now addicted to cutting, then stopping it could be more harmful than I had realised. I shouldn't have taken away his blades. He had to know that he was stopping cutting all of his own free will, and that I was not forcing him to do it. He had to do this willingly. So... I had to give him back his blades.   
  
And if he felt the urge to cut, then I would just have to hope that I could distract him long enough to quell the urge. And if I couldn't, I would just have to make sure he didn't do too much damage. I remembered reading from the first site that sometimes it was just resisting the urge that was what mattered, that if the urge to cut was too strong, it was important to set limits to cutting, like how deep and for how long, so that you controlled the urge to some degree. That sounded like a good idea.   
  
I also remembered reading about creating something called an emergency box, something filled with little things to do instead of cutting. The person, Kharre, suggested puzzles, crayons and pencils and a pad of paper, some music, some letters or printed-out emails to read, things like that. also, the person's SO or child or just a special friend was supposed to add something secretly, to surprise the person when they did open the box. It was only to be opened in an emergency so that it didn't lose its 'special-ness'. I would have to find a shoebox for Duo to use, but it sounded like a good idea.   
  
"Heero, you look serious," Duo said, speaking to me for the first time, and I glanced at him. He was turned in my direction, but his eyes were focused more on my shoulder than my eyes. "Whatcha doing?"   
  
I hesitated, but then decided to answer with the truth. "Research."   
  
He blinked and looked at the floor. "Oh. About... my problems?"  
  
The room went deathly still, filled with a tense silence, and I realised that the others were just as worried about him that I was.   
  
"Yeah, Duo, about your problems."   
  
"What... what did you find out?"  
  
I glanced at the others and then back at Duo. "Are you sure you don't want to discuss this in private?"  
  
Duo's head jerked up and realised for the first time, I think, that the others were listening. He blushed and walked upstairs without a word. I followed, laptop tucked under my arm.   
  
He was in my room, sitting cross-legged on the bed, fiddling nervously with the end of his braid. He didn't look at me as I entered and I put my laptop on the rickety desk, leaning against the wall and looking at him.  
  
He was the first to speak, as I knew he would be, though he still didn't look at me. "So what exactly did you find out?"   
  
I hesitated, trying to find the right words. I didn't want to sound harsh or condemning, but I didn't want to sugar-coat the facts either.   
  
"I found out that you use cutting as a coping mechanism, a way to deal with your troubles, and that you've become psychologically addicted to it. When you are unable to cut but need to, you have 'fits' because your body is suffering from withdrawal. Taking away your blades was a mistake on my part, and I'm sorry. To that end, here."   
  
I reached into the back pocket of my jeans and found the five paper-wrapped blades, so tiny and innocuous as they lied on my palm. He blinked and looked at them, strange and dark thoughts sliding behind his violet eyes.   
  
"I... I can have them back?" he breathed, his voice filled with something I was loathe to term wonderment and longing.   
  
My heart wanted to say no, to keep the blades away from him, to stop him from doing himself any more harm, but my head knew that keeping them from him was a mistake.  
  
"Yes, Duo, you can have them back."   
  
He jumped up and snatched them away from me, closing his fist around them eagerly, all the while watching me as if I might take them away from him again.   
  
"Why?" he whispered, and I sighed.  
  
"Because you have to know at every second that you are doing this of your own free will. That I'm not forcing you to get better. You can cut, Duo, if you want, but I'm hoping that you don't. I'm hoping that when you do get the urge, you'll come to me and let me help you. To that end, there's an idea I want you to try."  
  
Suspicion seeped into his eyes and he took a minute step back. "Oh?"  
  
I smiled softly at the suspicion in that one little word. "Nothing like that," I assured him, and explained about the emergency box.   
  
He frowned, chewing his lip as he thought about it. I waited patiently, willing to go along with whatever answer he gave.   
  
After a few moments he glanced at me through his bangs, seeming very nervous and suddenly very young. "Will... will you add the surprise?" he asked in a quiet mumble, and I blinked. I had thought he would ask Quatre to add the surprise.  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Then... okay."  
  
I smiled encouragingly. "Good. I'll find a shoebox or something tomorrow, okay?"   
  
He nodded, still playing with the end of his braid. I watched him open his mouth, only to close it again and walk backwards to sit on the bed. He sat in silence for a moment and then looked at me again. And he asked the question I had been dreading.  
  
"Why are you doing this?"   
  
What could I say? I couldn't and wouldn't lie to him, but I couldn't tell him the truth either. I just wasn't ready to admit that loved him. You have to understand just how much the thought of admitting it terrified me. Ever since before I can remember I have been told that emotions are a useless liability, that emotions would only get me hurt or worse, that I should ignore them and just focus on my objectives.   
  
But when I had met Duo, he had awoken something inside me, he had made me feel... alive, for the very first time. He had taken me out of the darkness that was the Perfect Soldier and shown me that I could be Heero, the fifteen year old boy. He had shown me life. And now... and now he had made me feel love. And I was lost. What did I know of love? Of caring? I was a terrorist, an assassin, a soldier. I didn't know how to love.   
  
Duo was still waiting for my answer, and I realised that I had to give him the complete truth. He deserved to hear why I was doing this, and he couldn't have any doubts about my motivations.   
  
So I took a deep breath, steeled my nerves and said in a quiet but firm voice, "Because I love you, Duo."   
  
He blinked and stared at me, eyes wide with shock. I held my breath, desperately waiting for his response. My heart was thudding in my chest, my blood rushing through my veins, adrenaline coursing through my body. Would he reject me? Would he accept me?   
  
After what seemed like an eternity, he stood up and walked the couple of steps necessary to bring him to me, standing barely inches away. His eyes searched mine, seeking... something, I'm not sure, but he apparently found it because he smiled a wonderfully soft, sweet smile. Then he leaned forward and brushed his lips against mine.  
  
I was lost.  
  
His lips were petal-soft and delicious, and I lost myself in the taste and feel, drowned in the knowledge that he was kissing me. I opened my mouth and let him taste me, my tongue sliding against his and dancing with it. The kiss was long and sensuous and fantastic... and wrong.   
  
I pulled away and took a stumbling step back, trying to calm my heart. He frowned at me, looking confused and unsure and very, very cute.  
  
"Don't do that again, Duo," I whispered, hating the way my voice trembled slightly.  
  
"Why not? You love me, don't you?"  
  
"Yes. But... I don't want you to kiss me unless you love me."  
  
His frown deepened and he looked at the floor before mumbling, "Maybe I do love you."  
  
I shook my head, smiling softly at the picture he presented. "No, Duo. You don't. You can't. You can't love me until you love yourself."   
  
He smiled bitterly and muttered, "What's to love? I'm a complete screwup."   
  
"You're a strong, talented Gundam pilot and a stealth master. You are the only person who can make me smile just by being in the room. You are damned gorgeous and very intelligent. You know more ways of manipulating people than I thought existed. You are bright and lively and energetic and also very serious when the time calls for it. You hide a brilliant mind underneath a grinning façade that is more solid than a brick wall. You are a very complex person and I love spending hours on end figuring out just the smallest fraction of your being. You are NOT a screwup."   
  
His breath hitched and he dared a peek at me through his bangs. I kept my face open and honest, willing him to believe just how truthful my words were. After another long moment (there seemed to be a lot of those happening) he looked away and sighed.  
  
"I'm not sure I can do this, Heero," he whispered. "I'm just so... confused."   
  
"I'm right here."  
  
"Hold me?"  
  
I took him into my arms without a word, and he relaxed into my embrace, his own arms coming round to circle my waist, pressing his body against mine. I wrapped him up with my warmth and my strength, shielding him from the painful things that were in the world, and knew that he would get better, because I wouldn't let him get hurt. He was mine, dammit, and I would NOT let him get hurt. 


	10. Chapter Ten

Notes: Duo POV. A deep meaningful conversations and whole heaps of angst! I mean, serious angst, not mild angst. and sorry about the really sappy ending, I just couldn't resist. Enjoy and review!   
  
My emergency box was just a battered old shoebox with the words 'emergency box' scrawled in bright red marker on the lid. Inside was a small book of word puzzles, one of those rubix cube things, a box of paper clips for me to chain together, an MP3 player with a collection of my favourite songs, and a small pad of paper with a packet of pens and pencils. The only thing missing was the surprise gift from Heero.   
  
Why had I asked Heero to add the gift? Why not Quatre? Quatre was my best friend, I've always been closest to him, but... I dunno, I just hadn't thought of him. When Heero mentioned the gift, I just immediately thought of him. Why?   
  
Did I love Heero?  
  
Ah that was the question now, wasn't it? I didn't think I did. I mean, sure I thought he was gorgeous and I've had many wonderful dreams about him, but... I didn't love him. I wasn't ready to love him. Not yet. So... what was this little tingling spark inside of me that danced at the sight of him? What was this warm feeling in the pit of my stomach?   
  
It wasn't love.   
  
It couldn't be.   
  
Could it?   
  
I sighed and pushed my bangs out of my eyes irritably, glaring out the window. My hand fell down and brushed against my thigh. I could feel the slight indentations of my blades in my pocket and my blood ran cold.   
  
I don't know why I kept them in my pocket, just that I couldn't bear to leave them in my bag. I was scared that they would be taken away from me again, and I couldn't bear that. The thought of not being able to cut again chilled me to my soul. Cutting was the only way I could survive, it was a requirement for living now. To not be able to feel the sweet pain as the blade cut into my skin, to not see the blood well up and dribble down my arm... cutting was everything to me. I hated that I needed to do it, that I was so weak I had to rely on it, but it was all I knew, it was the only way I could cope with my life.   
  
All the blood, all the pain, all the sorrow, all the tears and screams, all the death and destruction, all of it just faded away the moment I felt the cool metal kiss my skin. There was no more hurt, no more suffering, there was just me and the blade.   
  
According to Heero, in order to love him, I had to love myself, but how was that possible? What was there about me to love? I was just a dirty, miserable L2 street rat. Blood coated my hands in thick red droplets. Scars marred my body, reminders of all my stupid mistakes. My eyes had seen so much pain, so much sorrow. Too much. How could I possibly love myself?  
  
But... Heero saw something in me, saw something that made him love me. What was it? What was it that made him ignore all his training and his orders and stay with me?   
  
"Duo." The voice was soft, hesitant, and it sent a thrill of... something through my body. I turned and saw him leaning in the doorway, a thoughtful little frown creasing his brow.   
  
"Yeah?"   
  
"Do you think... you might be willing to talk? Just a little, not too much."  
  
Talk, about my problems, about cutting, about my past. I shivered, but nodded, moving to sit on the bed, Heero's bed. I don't know why, but I felt more comfortable in his room than I did in mine, and as he didn't seem to mind, I had spent most of my day in here, looking at my emergency box, touching my scars, thinking about my problems.   
  
I huddled on the bed, knees drawn up to my chest, a very defensive position that clearly stated how vulnerable I was feeling. Heero chose to sit on the edge of the bed, close but not too close.   
  
"Where do we start?" I asked quietly, not looking at Heero.  
  
"How about the first time you cut?"  
  
I sighed, but nodded. It was the logical place to start, and I knew that, but it dint make it any easier to talk about. My hands were clutching my knees so tightly my knuckles were white. Heero saw this and touched my arm comfortingly. I tried to smile at him but failed miserably.  
  
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, closing my eyes in the hopes of convincing myself that I was alone, that Heero wasn't in the room.  
  
"It was a couple of years ago," I began quietly, trying to ignore how my voice trembled. "April 16th AC193. I'd had a bad day and went to bed in a mood. That always brings nightmares and this time was no exception. I was a little kid, seven or so, on the streets of L2 and... Solo was... was dying."  
  
I closed my eyes against the tears, not realising that I had even opened them. It was always hard to talk about Solo, the sweet memories of my time with him marred with the bitterness of his death.   
  
Heero waited for me to regain control before asking softly, "Who was Solo?"   
  
"He was a street kid, a little older than me. He had shoulder-length blonde hair, blue eyes, and was always grinning, always making some sarcastic comment. He found me on the streets and took me in, let me be in his gang. He taught me how to steal and beg, how to run and hide, how to survive. He was like my brother."  
  
I smiled faintly, remembering the happier days with Solo, but then I started remembering the day the happiness vanished and the smile faded.   
  
"Duo," Heero said quietly, and I took a deep breath.   
  
"L2 wasn't, isn't, one of the most hygienic of places to live. Everyone was too wrapped up in their own little worlds to care about all the health rules. I don't know how, but a plague started. People started getting sick, started dying. They found a vaccine, but no one ever thought to give it to the street kids. What did they care if the pathetic street rats started dying? We were only useful to the drug dealers and people who wanted a quick, cheap fuck. To everyone else we were just a nuisance, dirty, grimy little kids who stole and begged, who interrupted their wheeling and dealings.   
  
"My gang started getting sick, started getting fevers and vomiting blood. And Solo got sick, too. so I went and stole the vaccine and gave it to everyone. For most of them, I was in time, they started getting better. But Solo... Solo was too far gone.... He died in my arms, shivering and sweating and coughing up blood. He said that-that we'd always be together, he'd always be with me. I took the name Duo that night."   
  
"I'm sorry," Heero whispered, and I smiled bitterly.   
  
"In the dream... I saw it all happen again. I felt him tremble, heard the wet coughing, saw the blood and tears on his cheeks; I was so scared. I woke up... and the fear stayed. I was all alone and I was terrified and... I couldn't think. I just needed it to all go away, I needed peace. And then I saw one of my knives lying on the floor.  
  
"I don't know what made me do it, I'd never even thought of cutting before, but... I did it, I cut myself. And it felt so good. The pain was sharp and sweet, the blood glistening brightly in the light. It consumed me, filled my mind, chased away all other thoughts. I wasn't scared or lonely or depressed. I was empty."  
  
I fell silent, remembering how wonderful it felt to be filled by that empty calm. My skin began to itch and crawl, as if hundreds of tiny bugs were marching over my body, and I shivered, raising my eyes to look at Heero.   
  
I don't know how he knew, perhaps he saw it in my eyes, but Heero suddenly moved to sit beside me, wrapping his arms tightly around my shoulders. I fell into his embrace, letting him soothe and comfort me like he had so much in the past few days.   
  
God, how many days was it since this whole fiasco started? I couldn't remember, time had lost all meaning to me, the days and nights bleeding together into one long nightmare filled with pain and misery and... Heero?  
  
I blinked, realising that every time I had needed him, Heero had been there. He may have caused all the pain and misery, but he was also there to help ease the torment. He had actually refused a mission, had turned his back on the war, for me.  
  
I shivered, hard, and buried my face in Heero's shoulder. I wasn't used to having someone care about me so much. Why? Why did he love me? I was a pathetic, weak fuck-up who couldn't survive without mutilating myself. Why did he love me? Did he love me? What if he was lying? What if he was just pretending to love me so that he could fuck me?  
  
A cold hardness filled my heart as I thought about that, hate and anger coiling inside me like a burning snake. But then I realised that I was wrong, that if Heero just wanted to screw me, he wouldn't put up with all my problems, he wouldn't hold me as I trembled and gasped and fought the urge to cut. For whatever reason, Heero loved me and I had to accept that.  
  
I smiled and dropped a light kiss on the side of Heero's neck, hearing his breathi hitch slightly.  
  
"Thank you, Heero," I whispered, drawing away from him and sitting up. he looked at me closely for a moment and then smiled.  
  
"You're welcome. That wasn't too bad, was it?"  
  
I blinked and realised that he was right, it hadn't been too bad. It had been hard at first, to think about Solo and his death, but once I got used to it, it had become a little easier. And when I told Heero about that first time it had only brought a faint itching, a distant desire instead of the all-consuming need I was used to. I had wanted to cut, sure, but... I hadn't. I had resisted.   
  
My eyes flew wide at the realisation and Heero smiled at me, brushing his fingertips along my cheek in a very intimate gesture.  
  
"You will get better, Duo," he promised quietly, his eyes blazing with determination. It was the sort of look he got during a complicated mission, but this time it was mixed with something else, something more personal.   
  
I smiled and dared to brush my lips against his in a quick, chase kiss.  
  
"I know you love me, Heero," I whispered, not quite able to speak any louder. "And I know I don't love you. But... you're not just a friend to me. You know that, right?"  
  
Heero smiled and nodded before leaving me alone, closing the door behind him with a soft click.   
  
Smiling, I let myself fall back on the bed, closing my eyes as I remembered the fierce light in Heero's eyes. He loved me. Heero Yuy loved me, Duo Maxwell. It sent warm shivers through my body, and I fell asleep quickly, my dreams filled with cobalt blue eyes that shone with love. 


	11. Chapter Eleven

Notes: Heero POV. I should have said this sooner, but I have a memory like a sieve, so please forgive me. Anyway, what I wanted to say was thank you to everyone who has reviewed. It makes me so happy to know that you like this story, and your support means even more, as this story is very close to my heart.   
  
Okay, so I know that Heero was with Odin when he was a kid and was later picked up by J but that didn't suit my purposes so I fiddled with his history a bit, and for the sake of this story, Heero has been with J since he was four or so and Odin never existed. Oh, and feel free to yell at me for the cliffhanger. Enjoy and review!   
  
Solo. How had I not known about this feral boy who had been so very important to Duo? All my research, all my digging, and I had failed to learn about the young street rat who had trained and protected my Duo.   
  
Trained. I used to equate that word with drills and lessons, memorising facts dates from computer files, running obstacle courses and forcing my body to be faster, stronger, better. It had been hard, and painful, but it had been relatively safe. I acquired some minor injuries, and after the surgeries to improve my resistance and strength I was considerably weakened, but I was never in serious danger.   
  
Duo hadn't been so lucky. His training had been a constant life-or-death battle. Failure meant pain, even death. He learned to pick pockets and beg and steal and run faster than the bad guys, or he was hurt.   
  
But I had never known that, had I? Never realised just how dangerous his childhood had really been. I had known his skills and abilities, knew that he must have used them to survive on the streets of L2, but I had never thought about what happened if he hadn't been so good. I had never thought about what happened when he made a mistake.  
  
I'd been a fool. I'd thought I knew everything about Duo, but I had known nothing. Oh, sure, I knew about the plague and the Maxwell Church Tragedy, but all I knew was the facts; I hadn't known how deeply those harrowing events had scarred Duo.  
  
"He died in my arms, shivering and sweating and coughing up blood."  
  
I can't even being to imagine how terrifying that must have been to have someone you regarded as a brother die in your arms, covered in blood and dirty, trying to comfort you with his last breath. Duo had only been seven at the time, still retaining that spark of youthful innocence that had been lost long ago. He had still been a child, in every sense of the word. He shouldn't have had to experience that kind of horror.  
  
And it hadn't ended there, had it? No, barely a year later he had experienced yet another loss as the Maxwell Church was burned to the ground. Had he seen the people there die before his eyes? Had he witnessed yet more death and destruction? I knew he was the only survivor, but I don't know how he had survived. I knew that I would find out and I had a sneaking suspicion that I wouldn't like it.  
  
I sighed and turned off the shower, stepping out of the bathtub, and grabbing a towel. I tried very hard not to think as I dried myself off, and I succeeded. Mostly. I kept seeing Duo as he huddled on the bed, his shoulders shaking his voice trembling. He had looked so young, so vulnerable, and it made my heart ache.   
  
I shook my head and wrapped the towel around my waist, picking up my clothes from the floor and my gun from the closed lid of the toilet. I had my hand on the doorknob when someone knocked quietly on the door. I jumped slightly and opened the door to find that it was Duo. I frowned, noting how tense he looked.  
  
"I something wrong?" I asked, and he flinched, eyes staring intently at my ankles.  
  
"Ca-can we talk?" he mumbled, his voice cracking slightly, and I nodded. He turned and walked into my room without another word. My frown deepened as I followed him. This did not look good.  
  
He was sitting on my bed, legs crossed and staring at his hands as they played with the end of his braid. He glanced at me but looked away quickly, and I suddenly realised that I was only wearing a towel. I fought a blush and pulled a clean tee shirt out of my dresser. Some clean boxers and a pair of faded jeans followed and Duo finally looked at me.  
  
I had to wonder about this shyness of his. He had never cared about semi-nudity before, either his or someone else's. He would occasionally make a few remarks or jokes, but he never blushed and looked away, never regarded it as something to warrant embarrassment. I couldn't understand why he would suddenly be so shy.  
  
"You wanted to talk to me?" I prompted quietly, and he sighed.   
  
He went back to studying his hands, examining his fingernails and pressing his fingertips together. "I... I've got to... I mean, I.... Shit, this is so hard! I've got to... Godammit, Heero, why did you have to do this to me?"  
  
I blinked at the sudden outburst, unsure of what I had done and why he was so angry. He growled and stood up, pacing the room and practically wringing his hands, anger and frustration and fear making his body tight with tension. I'd never seen him so tense, not even during a mission gone bad, or even during our talk. He's always maintained this calm tranquillity masked by youthful exuberance. Okay, lately the 'youthful exuberance' had been replaced by a weak grin and some artful evasions, but the point was, he never showed just how scared he was. Ever.  
  
"You just had to mess with my head, didn't you?" he shouted, not looking at me. "Had to break down my defences and leave me as weak as a fucking kitten! You just couldn't leave me alone to deal with things my way, could you? God, you have fucked me up! Dammit, just the thought of-of-arrgh!"  
  
He collapsed on the bed and buried his face in his hands. His shoulders were shaking and I suspected that he was fighting tears. What was going on with him? Why was he so angry? So scared?   
  
"I've been sent away," he mumbled, and I stared at him, not understanding. "G's sent me to Europe, indefinitely. I'm to have no contact with you."  
  
I was speechless for a second, my brain refusing to acknowledge what he had just said. The little voice in the back of my head, the one I was really starting to hate, laughingly pointed out that this was bound to happen sooner or later. I ignored him, focusing on the immediate problem. One question loomed in my mind, and I struggled to speak around the lump in my throat.  
  
"But-why?"  
  
"He found out about... things. He doesn't like it. Not the actual problem, what does he care if I slice my own arms?" I almost winced at the bitter harshness in his voice, it made him sound so much older. But then, he wasn't really a normal fifteen year old was he? He had seen things, done things, that fully grown men had never even contemplated. It had made him more than a little cynical, I suppose.   
  
"So why send you away?" I asked, reminding myself to focus. I dared to reach out and touch his shoulder. When he didn't reject the touch, I began a light massage, feeling how tense he was.  
  
"Because of you, because of what you're doing to me. He knows how weak you're making me, and he doesn't like it. I can't fight right now, Heero, at least not without getting a little fucked up, and he knows that. So, he's sending me to Europe, halfway across the fucking globe, so that I can keep fighting."  
  
"But... you're hurting yourself!" It was a stupid protest, and I knew it, but I just couldn't understand how G could ignore Duo's behaviour. Even J, with his cold practicality, wouldn't let me cut myself. Why was G overlooking Duo's self-harm? He was a doctor, he had to know that eventually Duo would turn suicidal.   
  
Duo seemed to read my mind, because he answered my questions in a soft, resigned voice. "He doesn't care, Heero, he never has and he never will. I'm just a tool to him, a weapon, a pilot for his precious Gundam. If I can't fight, I might as well be dead."   
  
I was silent for a moment, trying to think about the situation logically, not emotionally. My heart screamed at me to just ignore everything else and to keep Duo here, where I could help him, but my head told me to obey the orders and let Duo go.  
  
Who was I to ignore someone's orders?   
  
I was a friend, a caring, loving friend.  
  
I was a soldier, a cold, emotionless soldier.  
  
Duo needed me.  
  
Duo needed to continue fighting.  
  
I had to help him.  
  
I had to accept that I didn't control his life.  
  
"I've never ignored G before, Heero," Duo said quietly, and I sighed, my head hurting from the confusing battle of emotions and thoughts.  
  
"I know."   
  
"But right now, you're more important than him. It's up to you: do I go or do I stay?" 


	12. Chapter Twelve

Notes: Duo POV. Warning: angsty introspection ahead, but then what else would I put in this fic?

This chapter is dedicated to silvershard for your thoughtful review. I'm glad you can identify with Duo, as I'm putting a lot of myself into him, and I'm also glad that you read this instead of doing something stupid. Enjoy and review!

The stars were bright, glittering above me like diamonds. Thin clouds partially hide the moon from my sight, wrapping the shining white orb in tendrils of grey. I stared up at the night sky and thought one very specific thought: What was Heero doing?

Then again, that wasn't much of a momentous thing to note because I always thought about Heero, ever since I had climbed into Deathscythe, Heero was all I could think of.

How could I do this without him? He was the one thing holding me together. How could I possibly hope to survive without his help? It used to be that all I needed was my blades to survive. If I could cut, I was alright. But now… now cutting wasn't an option. Oh, sure I still got the urge to cut, faint and niggling in the back of my mind, but I just couldn't do it. The thought of cutting was a very bittersweet thing now. My body wanted it, needed it, craved it, but my mind was disgusted and revolted by the very idea. I looked at my scars and thought of what a weak, pathetic little creature I was and how disappointed I'd make Heero if I cut. So the one thing that might let me survive was the one thing I couldn't do. Ironic, huh?

I shook my head and climbed down from where I'd been perched on Deathscythe's shoulder, heaving my backpack onto my own shoulder. I made my way slowly out of the forest and found the path that led into the town, staring at my feet as they walked and trying very hard not to think. It didn't work.

There were no Gundams or Gundam pilots in Europe, just a bunch of other soldiers like Sally. They were good, but I was better. If I thought logically, I'd probably be kept very busy. America was more occupied by OZ than Europe, but they were still here, and I could think of several bases just off the top of my head that would be very hard to infiltrate if information was needed. So, yeah, logic stated that I would have a lot of missions. Which meant a lot of killing. Which meant I'd be left wanting to cut. Which I couldn't do. This was just fucking great.

I had been given free reign to choose my hiding place, so I'd decided to enrol at a quaint little boarding school. Yeah, I know, I've done it before, and that, I think, was why I chose to do it this time. The last time I'd gone to school, I'd been with Heero.

Maybe it was a little masochistic of me to go to a place that I knew would remind me of him, but… who gives a fuck? Besides, it might help to be surrounded by normal kids who had normal lives and who thought I was a normal kid with a normal life.

As long as I didn't think about the fact that I might have to kill any one of them at any given moment, it was golden.

But enough of those thoughts for the moment, I needed a motel or something, I couldn't really go check into school in the middle of the night, especially seeing as I hadn't set up an identity yet.

There were some perks to growing up on the streets of L2, and one of them was that I didn't bat an eyelid at the crummy motel room I was given. The peeling wallpaper was a sickening shade of green, the bed looked like it had been attacked by wolves, the desk was a cheap, rickety thing that looked as if it would fall apart if I put so much as one sheet of paper on it, and the bathroom… well, I won't describe the bathroom in detail but let's just say it was small, smelly, and had many… interesting stains on the walls.

I studied the bed for a minute before deciding I did not want to get covered with dozens of bug bites and sitting down on the floor. I booted up my laptop and set about creating a new identity. I didn't have to do much, create some transfer papers and some false school records for a few months back, and make up some nice contact information for a family that didn't exist. That part was the most painful, and my masochistic streak showed again as I named my mother Helen.

By the time I finished creating a nice electronic paper trail for one 'Duo Matthews' I had nearly managed to put Heero out of my mind. But of course, as soon as I had run out of things do to, I couldn't help but think about him.

I don't know whether to hate him or not, for sending me away. I mean, I knew he was the Perfect Soldier and that any orders were practically sacred and I knew that it had been a hard decision for him to make, but… I still didn't understand how he could send me away. Did he really think I'd survive? Did he believe I didn't need him? If he did, he was a complete idiot, and if there's one thing he's not, it's an idiot. So, logic stated that he knew I wouldn't survive and… didn't care.

God, but it hurt to think that. I knew he cared, he'd said he loved me and I believed him, but he still sent me away to Europe where it was cold and Heero-less. Christ, he must know that the first mission I get is going to leave me wanting to cut. He's seen how edgy, how raw I am at the moment.

I shook my head and looked at the bed. It was after midnight and I had school to attend in the morning. I should sleep, if only for a few hours. Of course, it's getting hard to remember the last time I slept alone. I was mildly shocked to realise that I had grown accustomed to sleeping in Heero's arms. But Heero's arms were in America, with Heero himself. I was on my own. Just like always.

Sighing, I stripped down to my boxers and after examining the bed thoroughly, fished out a blanket from my backpack and spread it over the ratty covers, lying down on top of it and attempting to fall asleep.

After five minutes, I got up and pulled on a pair of jeans and my thickest sweater, hoping to try and dispel a bit of the coldness. It didn't work. I always felt so warm in Heero's arms, like I'd just stepped out of a really hot shower and was cooling down enough to be pleasantly warm. I missed that. And I missed the way he'd stroke my back and play with my braid. And I missed the way he'd smile at me, a soft, tender little smile that only I got to see. And I missed the way he'd cradle me against his body, letting me feel the strength in his body. And I missed the way he'd whisper that it would be alright, that I would get better, that he'd always be there to help me.

Ouch.

Guess I shouldn't have thought about that last one.

He hadn't known he was lying, I knew he'd never lie to me intentionally, but… it had been a lie. I needed him, right now, needed him to hold me and make me believe things were alright, and he wasn't here. He wasn't even in the same damn continent. No, he was over in America, probably sleeping or preparing for a mission or something, not thinking about me and not known how much I fucking need him.

Gods, I hated that I needed him so much. I was a street rat and a Gundam pilot, I wasn't supposed to depend on anyone, but… I did. I couldn't survive without Heero and I knew it and it sickened me.

Heero wouldn't always be there, even if we were still staying together, he'd have to leave on missions for hours, days, weeks, and so would I, and he'd have contacts to meet and supplies to buy… it was impossible to think that he would always be by my side, and I wasn't asking for that. I was just asking for… for a little while.

Couldn't I have just a little while with Heero? Just enough to make me better? Didn't I deserve that?

Guess not.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Notes: Heero POV, and this is incredibly short, but I actually like it, which says a lot if you know how critical of my work I am. Enjoy and review!   
  
I shouldn't have let him go. I shouldn't have listened to all my training. I shouldn't have been such a fucking idiot! What was I thinking, letting him go off to Europe! Just because he got the fucking orders didn't mean we had to listen to them! Dammit, he was willing to stay, he made it my decision!   
  
A high-pitched beeping made me sit up and glare at my laptop. I did not want a fucking mission right now, I want to brood, thank you very much. Unfortunately, my stupid sense of duty made me get up and answer the message. It wasn't a mission.  
  
**01,  
  
While I am pleased that you have found friends and people you can trust, you must remember that THE WAR COMES FIRST. You are to never refuse a mission, especially not for personal reasons. It was completely irresponsible of you to hand the mission over to Pilot 03. I thought I had trained you better than that, and if you show any more signs of such great weakness, I will have to call you back for retraining. Though, I suppose the risks of that are diminished now that 02 has been sent away. If you even think of going after him or asking him to come to you, I will retrain you instantly and make sure that any such weaknesses are beaten out of you. **  
  
I glared at the message, my hands clenched into fists. That bastard, he will never lay his hands on me again! My love for Duo is not a weakness and I'll be damned if he'll take it away from me! I'll die before I stop loving Duo!   
  
I took a deep breath and forced myself to calm down, getting angry would not help anything. J could only hurt me if I allowed it, and since I would never allow it, I was safe. Probably. But he knew me well enough to know that I had been thinking of going to see Duo, to disregard his orders, and he'd expressly forbidden it. If I went to Europe, he'd do all he could to retrain me, and it wasn't just myself I had to worry about, I had to worry about what G would do to Duo. He wasn't as strong as me, both physically and mentally, and in the state he was in... retraining might destroy him.  
  
Gods, I did not need this right now. Couldn't they understand that I was trying to help Duo?   
  
I sighed and flopped down on my bed, staring at the water-stained ceiling. I missed Duo. I missed holding him and touching him and listening to his voice and watching him smile. I missed the way he'd make me feel so good just by being in the room. I missed looking at him and knowing that he needed me.   
  
I guess that's a bit weird, isn't it? But I didn't love that he was in so much pain, I didn't like knowing that he was suffering so much, I just liked knowing that he needed me. I can't help but take pleasure in the fact that someone needed me so desperately, especially if that someone is Duo.   
  
And now I'd failed him, hadn't I? I'd placed my training over my heart and sent him away, and now he was suffering again and I couldn't do anything to help him. Well, I could, but that would mean disregarding my orders, and I'd never done that before. Obeying orders and being a mindless puppet was all I knew, could I really break free of the cage my training had put me in?  
  
-You already have once,- that voice said. You refused a mission.-  
  
-That's different, it was just one stupid mission. This is about throwing away everything that I am.-  
  
-Everything you are? You just said you were a mindless puppet, is that really what you want to be? Don't you want to be a person? Someone who can think and act for himself?-  
  
-Of course I do, but I don't know if I can!-  
  
-It's easy, nimwit. You just listen to your heart and forget what J says.-  
  
I sighed. It wasn't that simple, and I knew it. For as long as I could remember, J had been God. I'd done what he said or I got hurt. He'd helped me, trained me, made me better and stronger and faster. He'd made me what I am. Sure, it had its downsides, but I liked the upsides. I didn't know if I could just forget everything that had been drilled into me since before I could remember.   
  
I'd put Duo before my training once before, but that was just a little thing, a one-time deal. This was... if I did this, I would never be able to go back to my old life. I'd be changed forever. I didn't know if I was strong enough or brave enough to take that leap.  
  
I sighed again, rubbing my temples wearily. I wasn't built for this kind of battle. Half of me wanted to run off and help Duo, but the other half balked at the idea of defying J, and I didn't know which half to listen to. My stomach was actually hurting from the mental conflict, my insides twisted up in one big knot of tension.  
  
I looked at my laptop, trying to make some sort of decision. That laptop had been my constant companion through the years. Before I'd had Wing, I'd had my laptop. I'd written files, built programs, designed viruses, hacked my way into systems, downloaded data, I'd done everything I could think of. It had been a way to escape the nightmare of my training. I had thrown myself into cyberspace where pain didn't exist, where nothing existed but ones and zeroes, not even me.   
  
It embodied so much that was the Perfect Soldier.   
  
But in the end, it was just a machine. It was bits of plastic and wires and microchips. It wasn't a breathing, living thing that I could hold at night. It didn't need me. It wasn't Duo.  
  
And given the choice, my laptop or Duo, there was only one answer.   
  
The mental battle eased within me, my heart shouting at my mind to shut the fuck up. This was the right decision, I knew it.  
  
I stood up and began tossing my few meagre belongings in my backpack, already forming a plan in my mind. Duo needed me, and that was all that mattered. If anyone dared try and stop me from going to his side and helping him through the pain that I had inflicted, then God have mercy on their soul, for I won't. 


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Notes: Duo POV. I have absolutely no idea where this came from, but I kinda like it. Oh, and I'd like to say thanks to silvershard for your email, because it prompted me to sit down and do some serious writing for this fic, and voila, this chapter got written. So, thanks! Enjoy and review!   
  
Computer science was my favourite class. Not just because it was so bleeding easy, but because it let me work on any missions during class. Currently, I was putting the finishing touches to my mission plan before the mission tomorrow night. I was supposed to be building a nice search programme, but I'd finished half an hour ago.   
  
I heard footsteps behind me and quickly shrank my mission plan, pretending to work on my search programme again. The teacher barely glanced at my screen before moving on, and I smirked.   
  
Someone nudged my leg, and I repressed the instinctive reaction I had to go for a weapon, turning to look at the girl next to me, Kay. She was hopeless at computers and always crashed her computer at least once. This time, it hadn't crashed, it had just frozen. She was looking at me desperately, and I couldn't blame her. Mr. Henry had told her that if she crashed or froze her computer one more time, she'd get detention.   
  
"Computers is not your strong point, hun," I murmured, leaning over to type in a few commands. The screen flickered for a moment before unfreezing, and she beamed at me.  
  
"Thank you SO much, Duo! You're a lifesaver!"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I know."  
  
I winked at her and returned to my own 'work'. My stomach was turning over in little flipflops from her bright smile and well-meaning compliment. She didn't have any idea what I was. She couldn't see the blood on my hands, the scars on my skin. She couldn't see the people I'd put in the ground. She couldn't see.   
  
But that was the point, wasn't it? To hide who, what, I was from the world? Run and hide, just never lie. I'd worked so hard to make sure that no one could see what I really was, why was it starting to make me nauseous? Why did I want to stand up and scream until someone noticed? Why did I want them to see the scars on my skin, the blood on my hands?   
  
The answer came from a little corner of my mind, that little voice everyone has that answers almost any question you ask of yourself, you just have to listen.   
  
Because someone HAD noticed, it said. Someone had listened to me scream, had seen the scars and the blood, and he had cared, and he had helped, and now he wasn't here.   
  
Goddamit, I missed Heero. I always felt better when he was around, even if he was just working on his laptop and ignoring me. Ever since we met, he'd always given me this sense of... calm. Not really peace, and I rarely relaxed around him, but... It was sort of like the comfort you get with a security blanket, ya know? Remember the way you used to hug it tight when you were a little kid, hoping it would protect you against the monsters under the bed? That was sort of what Heero was to me. He would protect me. He was strong and dangerous and dedicated, and I knew that I could always depend on him.   
  
I guess that's what had first led to my attraction to him, the fact that he was so strong. I've always gone for the strong protector types, they make me feel safe. And Heero was just so gorgeous, with that muscled body and the tousled hair and the eyes, oh God the eyes...   
  
But he wasn't here anymore. He was halfway across the fucking globe and he couldn't help me. My security blanket had been torn to shreds and incinerated and the monsters under the bed knew that and they were waiting... waiting for me to slip up, to lower my defences, to let them in, and they would fall upon me like ravenous dogs, swallowing me up whole until I stopped feeling, stopped existing...   
  
"Mister Maxwell, is something wrong?"  
  
Mr. Henry's sharp, snide voice broke me out of my thoughts and I realised that I had stopped even pretending to work; I was just sitting in my seat, shivering and staring blankly at the screen.   
  
I quickly closed my mission plan and forced myself to breath evenly, holding my body completely still.  
  
"I'm... I'm not feeling well, Sir," I muttered after a moment's panic that I'd have to lie, but it wasn't a lie, it would just lead him to believe that my problem was physical and not mental.  
  
"Do you wish to see the nurse?" His voice was bored and impatient; I was disrupting his class and he couldn't even shout and scream at me for it.   
  
That sounded good, I could pretend to see the nurse but go to the toilet instead and cu-calm down.  
  
"I-I think I should, Sir."  
  
He heaved a great sigh and said, "Very well," in that ever-suffering tone he has before walking to his desk and writing me out a note. I grabbed it in a shaking hand and didn't quite run out of the classroom to the nearest bathroom.   
  
I locked myself in the cubicle furthest from the door and sat on the closed lid of the toilet, wrapping my arms around my body. Not now, it couldn't happen now, not when I was at school, not when I didn't have any bandages or steri-pads, not when I didn't have any security, not when I didn't have HEERO.   
  
I just had to keep myself distracted, yeah, that was it. Just don't think about the itching and the burning and the aching and the craving and the needing and dear God I couldn't do this!   
  
How could I even hope to overcome the need without Heero there to help me? How could anyone expect me to do this without him?   
  
Okay, that's it. I officially am declaring an emergency.   
  
I didn't bother getting permission to leave school, nor did I bother to grab my things from the computer lab, I just walked out of the bathroom and out of the school, taking the quickest route to the motel. I rubbed at my arms, dragging my nails over the skin and peeling away a bit of the scab from the last cut I'd made, when I'd first asked for help. A droplet of blood welled up, wet and warm against my skin, and I watched the red spot form on the white of my shirtsleeve.   
  
The room was just as I'd left it, my laptop peeking out from under the bed, my clothes lying on the floor, and the rest of my stuff in the corner. I fell onto my knees and dug my emergency box out of my backpack.  
  
I stared at the contents and grabbed the box of paper clips, spilling the contents onto the floor with a soft, tinkling sound. I snatched up two clips and linked them together, adding another and another, counting silently in my head as I went, focusing entirely on the silver clips in my hands and not the itching, crawling feeling coating my skin.  
  
I just had to keep myself distracted, keep myself busy, that was it, I just had to ignore all the itching and burning and just keep busy.   
  
The door banged open and the need was forgotten as instincts kicked in and I jumped up, letting the long chain of paper clips slip from my fingers as I drew my gun and pointed it at the intruder.   
  
My eyes widened, my brain refusing to believe it.   
  
It just wasn't possible. He couldn't be here. This was some damned demented trick my fucked-up mind was playing on me. I wasn't going to fall for it. No way.   
  
Heero wasn't standing in my doorway. He wasn't looking at me with concern. He wasn't dropping. He wasn't walking towards me. He wasn't wrapping me up in his arms. He wasn't holding me. He wasn't comforting me.   
  
"I'm here, Duo," he whispered, and a broken sob escaped my lips as I collapsed against him.   
  
We fell to the floor. My knees hit the wooden floorboards sharply but the pain went unnoticed as I lost myself in his embrace. 


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Notes: I had to repost this chapter due to a few mistakes, so sorry for the mixup.  
  
It felt so good to hold him. Not just good, it felt right. The feel of his body against mine, the soft sound of his breathing, the sweet scent of his hair... it all just felt so right. How could I have ever thought of giving this up?   
  
I sighed and rubbed my cheek against the top of his head, breathing in the scent of his hair. He shifted slightly, clutching at me a little tighter, and I bit my lip as his thigh slid over my groin.  
  
"Why are you here, Heero?" His voice was soft and wistful, layered with deep longing and confusion. It was the first time he'd spoken since I'd arrived and my heartbeat raced at the sound. God, I'd missed his voice.   
  
He was still waiting for my answer so I said simply, "You needed me."  
  
"You're breaking orders."  
  
"I know."   
  
He made a soft contented sound and snuggled a bit closer to me. "I missed you," he admitted quietly, and I closed my eyes. "So very much. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, could barely function. You're all that's holding me together at the moment. If you leave me again, I don't think I'll be able to handle it." He paused and then added, "Sorry for sounding so... needy, but I needed to say that."  
  
What could I say to that? I've never been good with words, I've always relied on actions to convey my emotions, so all I did was kiss the top of his head and continue to hold him.  
  
We didn't stay like that for long, Duo was hungry and confused; he wanted a nice meal and some answers. So I went for takeout and we talked about unimportant things for a bit. Then he asked a very important question.  
  
"What do we do now?"  
  
I sighed and looked at my food, avoiding his eyes. Truthfully, I didn't know. I had no idea what we were going to do now. When I'd left the safe house, Trowa had asked me the same thing. He hadn't tried to stop me, he'd just asked a question. I hadn't answered him, I hadn't known how.   
  
I was going to help Duo, that was a certainty. But I needed more of a plan than that. Like it or not, we were Gundam pilots. We couldn't turn our backs on the war forever. And even if we wanted to, we wouldn't be allowed. J and G would hunt us down and force us into retraining. They'd strip away every shred of humanity we'd ever possessed and decide which pieces we were allowed to keep. I wouldn't let that happen, not to me and especially not to Duo. But how could I stop it?   
  
We could run, hide away from everyone and everything. With my computer skills and Duo's thieving skills, we could practically disappear. But... I didn't want to do that. I don't know exactly why, but the thought of running and hiding made my skin crawl.  
  
So where did that leave us?  
  
"I don't like it when you don't answer," Duo mumbled, and I looked up to see the incredibly... lost expression on his face. "You don't know, do you?"  
  
I sighed again and said, "No."   
  
"Dammit."  
  
"If the doctors find out that I've come here, and they will given enough time, they'll force us into retraining. On my own, I could possibly evade the people they'd send, but not with you."  
  
A flare of defiance sparked to life in Duo's eyes and he said, "I'm just as good as you at running and hiding, if not better."  
  
"Running and hiding, yes, but J has some very... talented people at his command. It'll take more than wits and guns to outsmart them, and I don't want you to see the kind of bloodshed I am capable of."   
  
He frowned and gave me one of those searching looks he was so good at. "I don't think you could do anything to horrify me, Heero," he said quietly, and I wasn't sure whether he was comforting me or mocking himself.  
  
I looked down at my hands and thought about all the things I had been trained to do, all the ways I could kill a man with my bare hands. I thought about gouging out eyes, slashing throats, cutting off limbs.... It wasn't a pretty picture.  
  
"Heero?"   
  
I looked up at Duo's concerned face and grimaced. "Sorry. The point is, I'm not leaving you no matter what. So either we find some sort of agreement with the doctors or...."   
  
"Or?"  
  
".... We get retrained."  
  
"Fuck that! I ain't goin' through that hell again! And I certainly ain't letting that bastard G teach me not to love you!"   
  
My control snapped. I was too tense, too worried, too fucking confused to handle this conversation, and my anger burst out without my meaning it to. "Do you think I want to be retrained?" I snapped back. "Do you think I enjoy the endless days of searing pain? Do you think I like being told what a weak, useless, pathetic little shit I am?"   
  
I stood up and stalked into the bathroom, leaning heavily on the sink and staring at my reflection in the cracked mirror. My eyes were filled with violent swirls of rage, but not at Duo, at J, at his assistants, at my entire fucked-up past.  
  
It was in the past, I survived it, I'm alright. It was in the past, I survived it, I'm alright. It was in the past, I survived it, I'm alright. If I repeated it often enough, I just might start to believe it.   
  
I felt a presence and turned to see Duo standing hesitantly in the doorway. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, looking very uncertain. "I know you don't like your past any more than I do. I just... I'm getting scared."  
  
I felt the anger seep out of me and I pulled him into a comforting embrace. "I'm here, Duo," I murmured, stroking his back. "I'll protect you."  
  
"What are we gonna do, Heero?"  
  
"I don't know, but I'll think of something."  
  
We stayed like that for a while, before he drew away enough to look into my eyes. "Have I ever thanked you for what you're doing?"  
  
It was such a stupid question that I laughed and brushed my fingers across his cheek. "You don't need to thank me, Duo. I want to do this. I want to help you."  
  
He drew away again, this time leaving my arms completely. He looked very determined suddenly and I wondered what he was contemplating so seriously.  
  
"I've been doing some thinking," he said after a while, his hands toying with the end of his braid. "Most of it about you. About how... I feel about you. I told you a while ago that it wasn't love, but I think... I think I don't know if that's true anymore. And I know that if I wanna find out... I have to... I mean, I want to... that is, would you..." He sighed in frustration and ran a hand through his bangs.   
  
"Would you kiss me?" 


	16. Chapter Sixteen

Notes: Duo POV, and you wouldn't believe how hard it was to write this. I'm not too sure how it turned out, so don't feel afraid to tell me it sucked, I won't get pissed, but if you like it, please tell me. Oh, and I should probably warn you there this is LIME in this chapter, VERY SERIOUS LIME. Enjoy and review!  
  
He definitely hadn't been expecting my question, I could tell. I watched as shock, followed by disbelief, faint hope, and desperate longing flew across his face like clouds over the sun.  
  
He wanted to kiss me, I could see it in his dark eyes, but at the same time, he didn't want to. Something was holding him back, and I didn't like it. I needed to do this, I needed him to kiss me, because how else could I hope to understand my emotions?  
  
I smiled and stepped forward, reaching out to brush my thumb across his bottom lip. His breath caught in his throat, and his tongue flicked out to touch my fingertip. But then he shook his head, and took a step back.  
  
"I'm not doing this, Duo," he said, and his strong voice held a faint tremor.  
  
"I want to," I replied softly, my voice filled with longing and need. It made him shiver, a look of uncertainty crossing his face. I took another step forward, closing the distance between us, and gripped his hips tightly. His tank top was loose and baggy, and I slipped one hand underneath it to feel his skin. I found a scar, long and curving, probably from a knife, and caressed it gently. He moaned and closed his eyes, tongue darting out to lick dry lips.   
  
It gave me courage, made me bold, and I used both hands to tug the tank top off him. I drank in the sight of his bare chest, my hands roaming over his skin and rubbing his nipples, eliciting another moan from him.  
  
Was this a good idea? Probably not. Did I care? Not in the least.   
  
I grinned and pressed my body against his, rubbing against him, grinding against him. My lips found his and we shared a hot, passionate kiss full of burning emotion. I could feel his hardening arousal and it sent waves of pleasure through my body, making my skin tingle pleasantly.   
  
I broke away from the kiss to attack his neck, biting down and tasting his skin, my tongue gently soothing the bite before biting again and repeating the process. His hands had somehow found their way under my tee shirt and he was exploring my chest the way I'd explored him. His fingers found a nipple and tweaked it gently, making me gasp and groan.  
  
My hands moved from his chest to his head, my fingers tangling in his hair as I pulled him in for another deep kiss. His hands slid around to my back, finding the thick scar just beneath my left shoulder blade and massaging it roughly. I gasped into his mouth and pressed harder against his warm, muscled body.  
  
He stumbled, and I used the opportunity to push him against the wall, my hands moving to unbutton his jeans. He was wearing simple white boxers, his erection straining against the cloth. I touched it lightly with my fingertips, making him shudder and moan. I grinned, leaning forward to lick the cloth-covered bulge. Heero cried out, a deep, animal sound filled with passion.  
  
I was just about to pull the boxers down his legs, when hands appeared on my shoulders and pushed me away. I landed on my ass, blinking up at Heero as he struggled to breathe properly while pulling his jeans up and buttoning them again.  
  
"We can't... we can't do this." His voice was breathy, made husky by passion, his eyes clouded with lust and desire... he wanted to do this, a blind man could see that, so why was he pushing me away?   
  
Heero let out a long breath and rested his head against the wall, closing his eyes, his chest heaving. He looked gorgeous, the picture of masculine beauty, and he seemed completely unaware of that fact.   
  
I bit my lip and crawled forward, kneeling in front of him to kiss his stomach, gently grazing the skin with my teeth. He gasped, his stomach muscles contracting at the touch, and shoved my away again. I landed heavily on the hard floor, and glared up at him, anger sparking to life within my heart.  
  
"What the hell is wrong with you?" I snapped, trying very hard not to look at the reddening bite mark I'd left on his neck.  
  
Heero opened his eyes, surprised at my tone I think, and then sighed. "I'm not going to do this when you don't love me. I'm sorry, Duo, but I can't." Then he turned and walked out.   
  
Shit.  
  
I sighed and tugged my tee shirt back into place, running a hand through my bangs. I guess I should like the fact that he wasn't the kind of guy to just have meaningless sex, I should love the fact that he wanted it to be important, special, but the truth is... I wanted him. I wanted to feel his body against mine, wanted to feel him come inside me, wanted to be close to him.   
  
Things were so confusing, I couldn't understand half of what I was feeling, and this one simple need was crystal clear, a pinpoint of clarity in the dense fog in my mind, and that Heero was denying me made me angry.  
  
I think part of why this was so important to me was the fact that Heero had left me once. I just wanted some sort of reassurance that he was here, with me, that he wasn't leaving.   
  
And yet, I understood why Heero wouldn't be with me. He loved me, and he knew that I didn't love him, not yet, and he didn't want to cheapen his feelings. I knew he wanted to, I'd seen the barely-contained desire in his eyes, and I guess that was something. I couldn't begrudge him his honour, or morals, or whatever the hell it was that was stopping him.  
  
I sighed and stood up. I needed to find him, needed to make sure he wasn't going to leave me again. I'd expected him to go off for a walk, or maybe go to check on his Gundam, but as luck would have it, he'd decided to sit outside the door, so I didn't have to look far.   
  
"I'm sorry," I said quietly, resting against the wall to his right and looking up at the sky.  
  
Heero sighed in frustration and balled his hands into fists. "It's not that I don't want to, it's just that-"  
  
"Heero, it's okay, you don't have to explain. I shouldn't have pushed. I just... I don't want you to leave me again."  
  
The admission hung in the air for a second before it was swallowed by a thick silence. I continued to stare at the sky, waiting to see what he would do. After my rather painful confessions earlier, it wasn't so hard to admit how scared I was that he would leave, but it was still hard to admit that I needed him, that I depended on him.  
  
I felt him shift and stand up, and the next thing I knew he was hugging me. I shivered and clung to him. It wasn't passion, or lust, or desire that the hug made me feel, it was comfort. The simple, reassuring act of being hugged, of making me feel warm and protected, loved. 


	17. Chapter Seventeen

Notes: Heero POV. Also, this fic has received over a hundred reviews in just sixteen chapters, so thank you thank you thank you to everyone who's reviewed!

Depressionprob: thanks for your review, I'm happy you like my fic, and if I had to rec just one fic, it'd have to be Scar Tissue by Amanda02, she's thankfully on ffnet under that name, but a warning, her fic is way more intense than mine.

The teacher's voice washed over me in a boring, monotone wave. He was talking about the life of Shakespeare, something I had little interest in. I did, however, have great interest on the person sitting next to me.

Duo was hunched over his textbook, absently drawing little stick figures in the margins. He wouldn't look at me, in fact he pretended I wasn't even there. I didn't know why, and that bothered me. What had I done to anger him so much? Was it my rejection, my refusal to… be with him? I thought he understood, he'd said he did and he never lied, so why was he so angry?

I wasn't the only one to notice Duo's dark mood, the girl in front of us kept twisting around to look at him. She seemed to be genuinely concerned about him, a worried frown creasing her brow, and she didn't seem to have any ulterior motives, but I still glared distrustfully at her.

A note flew over her shoulder and landed on Duo's textbook. He blinked at it owlishly for a moment before unfolding it and reading the rough scrawl: U OK? Wots wrong U look sad.

A mirthless grin twisted Duo's lips, and he quickly scribbled a reply underneath the message: Headache. Shakes boring. After adding a quick sketch of a person vomiting, he tossed the note back to the girl and looked at his textbook again.

I frowned. It wasn't like Duo to act like that, even with a stranger. Sure, the note had been normal, but he hadn't smiled or grinned or whispered some lewd comment. He was usually very careful about showing people anything other than his grinning jester's act. Whatever was bothering him had to be important. Why wouldn't he talk to me?

A crumpled piece of paper appeared on my textbook, and I frowned at it for a moment before slowly unfolding it. I recognised Duo's slanted handwriting immediately, and read the message: blue chat.

A simple coded message, using the phrases we'd worked out months ago. Translated it said that he had a mission tonight and needed to talk to me, but anyone else wouldn't be able to understand it unless they knew our code. I moved my head in the barest of nods and quickly shredded the note, just in case.

The rest of the lesson passed in a boring blur, filled with the monotone drone of the teacher's voice. We didn't go to the cafeteria for lunch, instead heading out to the football field, hiding under the bleachers.

"What's wrong?" I asked bluntly. He could take that question two ways-what's wrong with the mission tonight, or what's wrong in general. I knew which way he would interpret the question.

"The mission tonight is tough, it's difficult and dangerous. And we never decided what we were gonna do. I need to know if I'm risking my life tonight or not."

Oh. Okay, I hadn't expected this. And I'd been so worried about Duo that I hadn't even thought about what we were going to do about the doctors. And if Duo had a mission tonight, I needed to figure something out quickly.

Alright, so let's think about this logically. Dr. J wanted me alive and relatively unhurt so that he could retrain me. He did not want me dead/mortally wounded/maimed. Tranquillisers and sedatives did not work on me, at least not for more than a few minutes. So any attacker would have to use hand-to-hand combat, right? And obviously Dr. J wouldn't want to interrupt/endanger any mission, even if I wasn't the pilot on the actual mission. which meant that Duo's mission was as safe as anything else was. Probably.

I knew Dr. J wasn't as predictable as everyone else, he sometimes did things that I just could not understand. It was possible that he would forsake my health, and Duo's, just to get his hands on me. The only certain way was to hide, but that wasn't an option. So basically we just had to take precautions, be careful, and hope for the best. I hated that.

I sighed and told Duo my plan. He didn't look any happier about it than I did, in fact, he looked worse. There was a sudden pain in his eyes, etched too deep to be recent, and I knew that whatever he was thinking, it didn't involve Dr. J.

"I'm gonna be a mess when I get back," he said quietly, looking at his shoes. "I'm gonna want to cut, so I'm gonna need you there."

"I'll be there," I promised, my voice soft but fierce.

He blew out his breath in a huff, raking a hand through his bangs. "I hate this," he growled. "I hate that I'm so dependant on you. I hate that I can't love you. I hate that I'm forced to fight in a bloody war that only exists because people are bloody idiots who can't agree on the colour of shit. I hate all this fucking crap!"

I hesitated for a second, not sure what I should do, but then I stepped forward and put my arms around him. I had discovered, over the past few days, that touch was very important to Duo. I suppose I'd always known, he was forever slinging his arm around someone's shoulders, or punching someone on the arm, just brief touches to reassure himself of whatever he was doubting, but recently, I'd realised that it was extremely important for him.

He reacted as I thought he would, sinking into my embrace, moulding himself against my body, letting me support him. We stayed like that for nearly five full minutes, not speaking, not moving, just holding on, but eventually, Duo pulled back and looked at me with a weak smile.

"Thanks, Heero," he said, his voice filled with sincerity. "You always seem to know what to do."

I won't say I blushed, but I felt heat rise on my cheeks, and I looked away from his eyes. I don't know why that simple little comment affected me so strongly, but it sent little waves of pleasure rushing through my body to know that he recognised and appreciated my efforts. And more than that, he didn't think that I was a floundering idiot trying to deal with new and sometimes frightening emotions.

Hn. Frightening emotions. It seemed so long ago that I had been so scared of my love, I'd thought of it as wrong and 'illegal', it went against my training, the laws that had been beaten into me since I was a child.

But I'd accepted it now, my love for Duo was the most important thing, and I would not forsake it for anything. Did he know that? I knew that he knew I loved him, but did he know just how strongly? And if he didn't, should I tell him?

As I was debating whether or not to confess to him, Duo had been doing some thinking of his own, apparently along the same lines. He suddenly let out a rather shaky laugh, and I looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Back when we first met, I thought you were an emotionless block of ice that had been given a Gundam," he confessed, grinning at me. "And now, I look at you, doing all these incredible things for me, and all I can think is that you love me and that I couldn't have been more wrong back then. You have so many emotions, you just don't show them."

I wanted to ask if he was psychic, but didn't want to ruin the moment. God, we were having a moment, I couldn't believe it. So I just smiled and lightly caressed his cheek, trailing my thumb across his lips. His grin faded into a soft, sweet smile, and he stayed completely still as I traced the lines of his face with my fingertips.

The sharp, shrill sound of the bell shattered the moment and I sighed as I let my hand fall down to my side.

"Do you want to skip the rest of the day?" I asked softly. "Spend the time preparing for tonight?"

He wanted to, I could tell, because he didn't answer immediately, and he looked down at his shoes. After a long minute, he sighed and shook his head. "No. I want to stay here. Pretend to be normal."

He could have given me a dozen other reasons for staying, not wanting to attract attention being the main one, but instead, he gave me the honest truth-he wanted to pretend that he was a normal teenager, just for a few short hours. And though others might not agree, I thought it was a perfectly valid reason.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

Notes: Duo POV. Introspection, angst, deep talk of cutting, but I don't think I need to warn you about that seeing as you've read this much. Also, I know this is a tad short, and I'm sorry, but I wanted to end it there, and couldn't think of anything else to add. Enjoy and review!

Deathscythe needed some major repairs, at least a day's worth if not more, but I didn't care about that as I climbed down the tall machine to fall to the ground. I stayed here for a moment, kneeling in the dirt, blood coating half of my face from when I'd been knocked into a control panel and cut my forehead open.

Screams, loud and filled with agonising pain, echoed in my mind, drowning out all other noises. Why did they have to scream so much? Couldn't they die silently? Did they know what their screams did to me?

My fingertips were already starting to itch with the need to hold a blade, to make the sight of my blood drown out the sound of the screams. I took in deep, ragged breaths, trying to ignore the need, the desire, the urge.

I needed to get to Heero. Heero would make it better. Heero always made it better.

I forced myself to stand up, and took a step forward, nearly falling over but managing to balance myself in the last moment. I didn't know if it was the need to cut, or the head wound that was making me so uncoordinated. I was staggering around like a drunk, my ears were ringing, my head spinning… yep, it was the head wound. Though, the need didn't help matters.

I took a deep breath and took another step forward, pleased when I managed to remain upright. Had I been thinking more clearly, I would have taken a moment to clean some of the blood off my face, but the need to get to Heero was too strong, too overwhelming, and I found myself staggering along the streets, steadying myself against anything I could, taking the quickest route I could think of to the motel.

Heero was waiting for me, as I knew he would be, and I all but collapsed on the floor. His eyes widened at the blood, and he instantly began checking me over, asking me questions, making me follow his finger and stuff. He led me into the bathroom and began cleaning my face with warm water and soap. It stung when he neared the actual cut, but I ignored it, preferring to focus on how warm and gentle his hands were.

The cut was deeper than I thought, and he applied a few stitches before stepping back. He reached out and took one of my hands in his, holding it up and watching as it trembled slightly. He looked at me, and smiled sadly.

"Do you want to talk?" he asked softly, and I actually hesitated. I would have thought that talking would only make the problem worse, that thinking about cutting would only make the need stronger, but I had been doing some research the past couple of days, visiting a couple of websites, and apparently, talking about the problem helped you to not cut. I didn't understand it, but I was willing to try anything at this point, so I nodded.

Heero led me to the bed and we took a moment to get comfy, me huddled against the wall, arms wrapped around my knees, and Heero sitting cross-legged in front of me. I opened my mouth, but couldn't think of what to say. There was just so much to talk about, I didn't know where to start.

"Maybe you should ask a question," I suggested weakly after a moment, and Heero frowned.

"Okay… What does it feel like when you cut?"

Trust Heero to ask one of the more complicated questions. I frowned and bit my lip, thinking. I couldn't really find the words to describe how I felt when I cut, beyond the brief descriptions I'd already used, and those weren't what Heero was after. But it wasn't easy, to describe the numbing bliss that enveloped me when I cut. Only someone who knew the feeling could ever hope to understand it.

But, maybe Heero didn't need to understand; maybe he just needed to know.

"It usually starts off faint," I murmured uncertainly, not looking at him. "Kind of like a song playing in your head that you can't forget, and you try to ignore it but can't. I start to feel uncomfortable, restless, like I can't think. My skin starts to feel funny, like there's a fly on me, just walking along my body, and I can't shake it off. My fingertips feel especially bad, they start to burn and itch, like I put my hands in water that's just a tad too hot. I try to ignore it, try to resist, but I can't. I never can. I always give in.

"Depending on the situation, I cut in different ways. Sometimes, the need, it's so bad that I just make a quick slash, one second and it's over with, and I just watch the blood trickle down my arm. Sometimes I take it slow, letting myself feel the blade as I drag it across my arm, feel it as it cuts into the flesh and draws the blood out of my veins. Sometimes I cut more than once, using both the quick and slow method.

"But no matter how I cut, the end result is always the same, the feeling it gives me never changes. It's like, in that one fraction of a second, I can do anything. I could reach out and touch the moon and crush it in my fist if I wanted to. I feel invincible, because no one else can do this to me, for me. No one else can cause this feeling of ecstasy. It's like, all the worries, all the pain, all the doubt, it just fades away, leaving only the blood, dribbling down my arms.

"It doesn't last long, a few minutes, quarter of an hour at the most, but when the rush fades, it doesn't go away entirely. Part of it stays in me, letting me cope with my life, letting me look at myself in the mirror and not feel disgusted. It used to last longer, back in the beginning I'd barely cut once a week, but as time went on, and my life got worse, the feeling would fade quicker, I'd cut more often, cut deeper, and I stopped worrying about what people thought.

"Back in the beginning, I was terrified of people finding out, I was ashamed of myself for being so weak and stupid, I'd do everything to hide the scars, hide the pain, but as I got older, I just stopped caring. I still hide, but only because I didn't know how else to act. I stopped thinking of it as wrong, because I'd come to depend on it so much, and nothing that felt so good could ever be wrong. It was my lifeline, the thing that kept me anchored, kept me sane, and I stopped being ashamed. I wasn't proud of myself for doing it, but I wasn't ashamed either, it was just… a fact of life, a part of me. And I think… it always will be."


	19. Chapter Nineteen

Notes: Heero POV. Please note that updates on this, and my other fics, may slow down a bit as my inspiration is turning towards my new obsession called Gravitation. If you want to ask me a question or prod me for an update, visit my LJ and leave a comment, there's a link to it in my profile. Enjoy and review!

I was silent for a few minutes, digesting what he had said and trying to figure out just what I was supposed to say, if I was supposed to say anything at all. I couldn't get over how deeply he'd described the feeling, how eloquent he'd been. I didn't understand half of what he said, couldn't understand how it actually felt, but… I could tell that he hadn't lied about anything. Everything he'd said had been the complete truth. Cutting wasn't just a problem for him, it was… a part of him, like he said.

The repetitive beep of my laptop jerked me out of my thoughts, and I turned to look at it. Tension flooded the air, both mine and Duo's, and I hesitated for a moment before finally picking it up off the floor and typing in my passwords.

__

01,

How dare you disobey my orders! I had thought your training was better than that, but obviously I was wrong. If you have the willpower, and the audacity, to go chasing after some fool of a boy who should never have been given a Gundam, then I have obviously failed in my work. You are to report to me at once for retraining, and if you do not obey me, you will surely regret it. Do not cross me, boy, you know well that I do not care for insubordination.

I scowled at the message, and deleted it without replying. Duo had read it over my shoulder, and stood up quickly, moving to look out the window. He had his arms folded across his chest, and I could see the tenseness in his shoulders and back. I sighed and silently cursed J for causing this.

"So I guess you're going," he muttered shakily, hunching his shoulders.

"No, Duo, I'm not. I told you I wasn't going to leave your side and I meant it. I just… have to figure out what to do."

"If J's anything like G, then he's not the type of person to take no for an answer."

"Not usually," I agreed, staring at my hands. "But… well, he doesn't want to actually kill me or maim me permanently, and that gives me an advantage if I could just figure out how to use it."

"Maybe you should just go," Duo murmured, still staring out the window. "Maybe you should just forget about me."

My heart lurched at the notion, my stomach twisting itself into a painful knot. I growled and stood up, standing behind him and turning him around so that I could look at him. There were tears sparkling in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. He was trying to look calm and determined, but I could see underneath the mask, could see the desperation and fear that lurked beneath.

My expression softened at the sight of him, and I pulled him into my embrace. I was a few inches taller than he was, so he was able to rest his head on my shoulder, his arms almost painfully tight around my body, not that I was complaining.

"I will never leave you, and I will never forget you," I promised quietly. "I promise on pain of death and torture, on my laptop and Gundam and spandex shorts that I will never, ever leave you."

A muffled sob escaped his lips, and he clung to me tighter. I sighed and closed my eyes, holding him as he slowly got a grip on himself. His shoulders slowly stopped shaking, and his breathing became steadier, but he didn't let go of me, so I didn't let go of him either.

After a long time, he sighed and drew away, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand, looking at me with a very odd look on his face.

"I have something I wanna ask you, but I'm not too sure how you'll react," he said uncertainly, eyes searching my face. I frowned, and then gestured for him to continue. He nodded and then looked down at his shoes, shifting his weight uneasily.

"Well, see, there's this thing at school, a dance-type thing, and I was thinkin'… maybe you and I, we could, ya know, go together. I mean, I think it'd be nice, ya know, let us take a break from the war and my stupid problems and, well, you don't have to say yes, but I wanted to ask…"

I blinked, and then thought about what he's said. He wanted us to go to a dance together. Together, as a couple. On a… date? I raised an eyebrow at the thought, but couldn't help but feel a thrill run through my body at the idea of us going on an actual date together. It seemed like such an ordinary thing to do, and yet seemed so very alien at the same time. I was a soldier, a Gundam pilot, a killer to my core; I didn't go on dates. Then again, I wasn't supposed to fall in love either.

A part of me, the soldier part, protested at the idea-even in this modern age, the sight of two males on a date was a bit uncomfortable for some people, especially other men. I did not want to draw attention, especially not during such a tense time. The soldier voice also told me that I really should be thinking about how to handle this new situation with J instead of wasting time on something so frivolous and useless as a date.

But a different voice in my head, the one that always represented the human part of me that J had never been able to kill, told me that going on a date was neither frivolous or useless. It would be nice, the voice said, to go out and have fun with my… boyfriend?

Was that what Duo was? I loved him, and we both knew it, and we had gotten into a rather… steamy situation a couple of nights ago, but were we really going out? Was he really my boyfriend? It seemed like such a cheap word, a pale shadow of what he meant to me, a meaningless description that completely failed to convey just how incredibly important he was.

Duo sighed, and I looked up to see his shoulders slump. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "I didn't mean to… presume anything. Forget I asked."

"No, Duo, it's not that, I just…. Are you my boyfriend?"

His eyebrows shot up and he stared at me with the most comical look of incredulity on his face. Then he started to laugh, that rich, happy laughed that I'd missed so much. "God, I cannot believe that Heero Yuy, Mr. Don't-need-a-parachute-I-can-set-my-own-bones, just asked me if I was his boyfriend."

I wasn't sure I appreciated the humour as much as he did, and I repeated my question. "Are you my boyfriend?"

He sobered, and thought for a moment before slowly nodding. "Yeah," he said quietly, "I guess I am. I don't think we have what anyone would class a normal relationship, but… yeah."

I smiled. I don't know why, but hearing him say it, hearing him admit that I was more than a friend, that I was important, made me very happy. Not the kind of happiness I got after a successful mission, or even after installing the latest upgrades in Wing, but a contented, peaceful kind of happiness that was entirely different.

Duo smiled, somewhat nervously, and said, "So… you never answered my question."

I belatedly realised that I hadn't and smiled as I reached out to brush my fingers against his cheek. "Yes, Duo, I'd love to go to the dance with you."


	20. Chapter Twenty

Notes: Duo POV. The ending of this chapter sucks, but as it was supposed to end with the end of the next chapter, I guess that's sort of okay. And I just want to assure everyone that I am NOT going to discontinue this fic. This fic is too important to me to just leave it unfinished. Besides, I already have the last chapter all planned out :) Enjoy and review!

The dance had been set up in the school gym, which was actually in a whole separate building from the rest of the school. There were dozens of streamers hanging from the ceiling, royal blue and silver, and bunches of balloons had been set up everywhere, again blue and silver, with silver stars stuck to all the walls and ceilings. Small round tables with either two or three chairs were situated around the edges of the room, with nice yet obviously cheap dark blue tablecloths. There was a long table at the far wall, covered with a white cloth and decorated with silver… things. I don't know if they were banners or sashes or whatever, but they looked cool. And on the table was a fantastic array of finger foods and soft drinks. I noticed with a frown that there wasn't any beer, but wasn't all that surprised.

I could feel Heero at my side, a warm, comforting presence, and I shifted my hand so that it brushed against his. I wanted to hold his hands, to intertwine our fingers, to show everyone that he was mine and I was his, but… I didn't think I dared. It's funny, isn't it? I'm a street rat turned thief turned Gundam pilot, you'd think I'd dare to do just about anything, and that was mostly true. Defuse bombs, sneak into enemy territory, go on a suicide mission, hide Wufei's coffee, I'd do all of that in a heartbeat. But I didn't think I dared reveal that one secret.

I'd done it in the past, though I'd never actually had my boyfriend (ooh, that sent a weird tingle down my spine) standing by my side at the time. People hadn't reacted well, at least most of them hadn't. Three had tolerated, and one precious gem of a girl had wholly accepted it, even quizzing me about what I looked for in a guy and sharing her own thoughts. The rest… they'd tended to be mean sons of a bitches. They'd called me names, dropped snide comments, tried to rough me up, and it had gotten so bad that I'd eventually broken orders and dropped out of that school. I'd slept and lived in Deathscythe for the remaining three days before I completed my mission. I had no desire to go through all that again, especially since Heero would be subjected to it as well.

A quick squeeze on my hand dragged me out of my dark thoughts and I turned my head to look at Heero with a raised eyebrow. He was smiling softly, and I took the moment to study him. We'd dressed up for the dance, black trousers, the nicest shoes we owned which still weren't all that great, and proper shirts, not just tee shirts or tank tops. His was a shade of dark blue that complimented his eyes nicely, and mine was a dark black. My monochrome look was broken up by the silver chain around my neck, and the silver of my watch. Well… the silver of somebody's watch that I had taken the liberty of borrowing.

Anyway, back to the point, Heero looked _good_. He hadn't done anything all that special except for the clothes, but he looked… different, almost special. I couldn't put my finger on it, but there was just something about him tonight that was different.

The answer came in one of those sparks of inspiration that just pop out of nowhere. He was my boyfriend. Before, I'd always looked at him and thought of our… 'relationship?' as something temporary and not-real, but now it was different; now he was really mine. It made me smile to think about it, that I had actually laid claim to this strong, protective, caring young man.

"Duo!"

I blinked and looked away from Heero to see Lisa walking quickly towards us. She couldn't run because of the extremely high heels she was wearing, an obvious attempt to add something to her height of five one. She had dressed up in a simple black dress that fit her form nicely, and her hair was falling loosely over her shoulders. I'd never seen her in anything but trousers and a shirt with a simple ponytail, and the change was surprising.

"Hey, girl, you look great," I said with a smile that mirrored hers.

"Oh, you charmer, you. You look great as well, as does your friend." She turned to Heero and stuck out of her hand. "Hi, I'm Lisa, and I don't think we've been properly introduced."

Heero just looked at her hand for a moment, and I rolled my eyes before nudging him in the ribs with my elbow. He frowned at me, but shook Lisa's hand silently. Lisa raised an eyebrow and looked back at me.

"He really is talkative, isn't he?"

"Sometimes. So, how's the party so far?"

"Pretty dull, but the food's nice."

"You think with your stomach," I accused playfully, and she just grinned at me.

"Yep! So, wanna dance?"

I felt Heero tense beside me, and forced down the urge to grin like a lovesick monkey. Instead I just politely declined and headed towards the food. I hadn't eaten since lunch and I was getting quite hungry.

"She was… bouncy," Heero muttered in a disapproving tone under his breath as he grabbed a little plastic plate and randomly put some pieces of food on it. I grinned at him and nodded.

"Yep. Lisa's a nice girl, not too smart, but she thinks with her heart not her brain. She'll always help you out if you need her, though sometimes that gets her into trouble-my first day here, I had to save her from some bullies after she tried to save someone else from them. Still, she means well."

"Hn."

I rolled my eyes. I could tell what Heero was thinking-that those who cannot fight should not attempt to, that rushing into a hostile situation without proper planning was foolish, that Lisa was a bit of an idiot. I couldn't argue on that last one, but she was a loveable idiot all the same.

We sat down at one of the tables near the back-I wanted to be close the buffet table, Heero wanted to be able to see the whole room and the doors. We munched on our foods and looked at our classmates. Some of them were dancing to the generic disco tune being played by the local DJ, but most of them were just milling around chatting.

"Is this supposed to be fun?" Heero asked after a few minutes of comfortable silence, and I looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, aren't you having a good time?"

He seemed to think about that for a moment before shrugging and munching on a piece of mini-pizza. I frowned and chewed on my own food whilst I thought. Heero wasn't the most social person, his idea of having a good time was relaxing with his laptop after a mission well done. I'd accidentally stumbled onto the knowledge that Heero liked to play online games in his downtime and had been sworn to secrecy. But it had never occurred to me that he didn't… well, socialise.

Okay, so we didn't get a whole lot of opportunities in our lives, but I'd never really thought that Heero didn't enjoy just hanging out with other people, or even just _near_ other people. I knew that he'd had an… unconventional childhood, but I'd never thought that he'd been so isolated. I'd always sort of assumed that J had given Heero moments of normalcy, like G had for me. Sure, other children had to have been pretty rare, but even just playing cards with his assistants or kicking a ball around in a casual game of soccer, just those rare glimpses at a normal life, they were one of the things that helped keep me sane. I couldn't imagine that Heero had lived his whole life without that.

I made a snap decision and grinned, standing up and holding out my hand for him. He frowned at it, and then raised an eyebrow inquiringly.

"We're gonna dance," I announced, grabbing his hand and pulling him to his feet.

"I don't dance," he growled, trying to tug his hand out of mine. "And everyone will look."

"So let them, they'll just be jealous that I've got you all to myself."

"Duo-"

"Please, Heero? For me?" I have him my best puppy dog eyes look, even adding in a little pout, and eventually he sighed with defeat. I grinned again and dragged him onto the makeshift dancefloor. I could already feel a few people looking at us, but forced myself to ignore them as I put my hands on Heero's hips. The song currently playing was a bit too fast, I'd have liked a slow tune, but I managed to get us into a semi-slow rhythm.

We didn't do much, just that shuffling-feet thing that most people do at school dances, slowly turning around with the speed of a constipated turtle, but it felt unbelievably good. I could feel Heero's hands on my hips as if my clothes weren't there, could practically hear his heartbeat as it matched mine, could see all the shifting shades of blue in his deep eyes.

I lost myself in the sensations, drowning in the emotions, and wasn't really aware of my actions. All I knew was that Heero was here, he was mine, and I never wanted to let him go. I could hear the whispers, the questions and suspicions, but they washed over me in a dull wave of unimportant nothingness. Let them think what they wanted, I didn't give a shit, not anymore. Because I had Heero and that was all that mattered.

I don't know who moved first, him or me, and I suppose it doesn't really matter. All I know is that suddenly, Heero's eyes were drifting shut and he was leaning towards me and then… he was kissing me. In public. In front of our classmates. And I didn't give a damn.

I moaned low in my throat and pressed closer to him, coaxing his lips open and exploring his mouth. My hands shifted away from his hips to explore his back, until I found his shoulders and gripped tightly, holding him to me. There was nothing in that instant, just me and Heero and the feel of his lips against mine, the sound of my heart beating loudly in my chest, the musky scent of the cologne that I'd forced Heero to wear.

A loud shout broke the spell, and I forced myself to remember where we were. I drew away reluctantly, ordering myself to let go of his shoulders, to take a step back. His eyes were a rich Prussian blue, darkened by passion, his lips were kiss-swollen and he looked very edible. I clenched my fists, digging my fingernails into my palms, focusing on the pain and using it to bring me clarity.

I looked around, and noticed that every single person in the gym was looking at us. Most looked confused, a few looked like they might be homophobes, but a few girls in the corner were grinning widely, whispering amongst themselves and giggling. I flashed them a grin and a sketchy wave, knowing that they were like that other girl, the ones who would accept this. I decided to find out their names and talk to them. That is, if we didn't get expelled.

The person who had shouted was Mr. Henry Walker, the Principle of this delightful little school. He was red in the face and breathing heavily, a reaction that was way over the top in my opinion. I could feel Heero tensing and knew that he was two steps away from doing something stupid, so I quickly grabbed his hand and squeezed it, giving him a reassuring smile before looking back at Mr. Walker.

"Sir, you need to calm down," I said casually. "Maybe a nice cup of camomile tea would help."

My comment only seemed to enrage him further, and I mentally kicked myself. Sometimes, I really did need to know when to shut up. After a few minutes of wordless grumbling, he managed to tell us to go to his office and wait there. I debated whether or not to obey, before deciding that I didn't have anything to lose.

"Come on then, lover," I said in a nice loud voice. I smirked at Mr. Walker and sauntered casually out of the gym.


	21. Chapter Twenty One

Notes: Heero POV. I'm super sorry for the long wait, everyone, I didn't realise it had been so long since I updated this last, but life and my newfound Harry Potter obsession kinda overwhelmed me.

This chapter is dedicated to Rashalla Entalio for all your wonderful reviews, and especially for noticing the coffee and lovesick monkey comments, I was a bit worried about how people would react to my little attempts at mild humour and was so relieved that you like them. Anyway, enjoy and review!

Mr. Walker's office was small and cluttered. I sat in one of the two straight-backed chairs and spent a few moments examining the files that littered his desk. Mostly files for students, a couple about next year's curriculum, and one about the budget cuts to be made next month.

I frowned and thought for a moment. We were in a lot of trouble, the best we could hope for was never-ending detention, the worst was expulsion, and we were probably looking at a long suspension. I didn't want to get suspended, Duo seemed to enjoy attending this school, and the only way out of getting punished would be to have an advantage over Mr. Walker. In other words, we needed something to blackmail him with. I glanced at the clock and saw that we'd only left the dance six minutes, and judging from how furious Mr. Walker had been, it wasn't likely that he would arrive in the next ten minutes or so. Good, I didn't even need half that time.

I stood up and walked around the desk to sit in Mr. Walker's chair, careful not to actually move it from the position it had been in.

"What are you doing?" Duo's voice was sharp with suspicion, and I glanced at him with a frown.

"Hacking his computer for blackmail material," I replied, and the 'of course' was implied.

"No."

My frown deepened, not understanding why he was refusing. Surely he knew that it was our best way of getting out of trouble. I said as much, and got a disgusted look from him before he flung himself to his feet and began to pace around the room.

"As much as I would love to get some dirt on that shitbag homophobe of a Principal, and as much as I would love to dance our way out of trouble, we're not doing either. We are going to sit here and take whatever punishment he dishes out."

"But-"

"I mean it, Heero!"

I sighed and grudgingly moved back to my own seat. I crossed my arms over my chest and scowled at nothing. Duo noticed, of course, and sat back down so that he could reach over and touch my arm.

"I know you don't like this, Heero, that despite what people think you aren't really a masochist, but I want this."

"So does that make _you _a masochist then?" I snapped, instantly regretting it. Duo frowned, but not like he was upset, more like he hadn't really thought about it before.

"I dunno," he said thoughtfully after a moment. "I mean, I like my sex rough, and the idea of a little pain in with the pleasure is exciting as hell, but…. Hm. With the right person, namely you, then I guess I'll try anything once. But that really only works if you're a sadist or a dominant."

I understood the term sadist, I'd met too many of them not to know, but I frowned over the word 'dominant'. I know the definition of it, but the way Duo said it implied some other meaning. I decided to ask him about it later, because Mr. Walker decided to walk in at that moment. His skin was still flushed, and his hands were balled into tight fists, but other than that, he looked considerably calmer since we'd last seen him in the gym.

He sat down behind his desk and shuffled a few of the files, moving them out of his way so that he could rest his hands on the blotter. He looked at us with a very hard look that I supposed scared most of the pupils here but left Duo and I completely unaffected.

"I suppose you think that little stunt was funny," he said, and there was a harsh, growling edge to his voice that said he was struggling to contain his anger.

I glanced at Duo and he smiled easily, slouching down in his chair. "Sir, we were merely caught up in the romantic atmosphere of the dance like at least four other couples that I saw. The only difference being that we were the only homosexual couple, and though that is quite a large difference, it is illegal for you to discriminate against homosexuals and any disciplinary action against us will have to be carefully thought out on your part so as not to promote the wrong idea. Of course, you could have brought us here because that kissing is against the school rules, though I have noticed that it is a rule seldom enforced, but then I would have to wonder where are the other eight or so students who broke this rule, unless you are planning to talk to us individually, so to speak. Anyway, no, we did not think that was funny."

I bit my lip to keep from smirking. I should have known Duo wouldn't just sit back and take whatever punishment Mr. Walker wished. I also should have realised that my boyfriend is a lot smarter than he appears and makes it a point to study the laws of wherever we are.

I wasn't the only one who was surprised by Duo's answer. Mr. Walker was blinking rather owlishly at him, and shock was written all over his face. I was betting that he hadn't realised Duo was close to being a genius, or that he was well-versed in the area's laws, or that he was so cunning and manipulative. In that instant, I realised that we would win this little pseudo-fight with Mr. Walker, and the tension in my body eased considerably.

Mr. Walker looked around the office for a moment before seeming to gather his wits and fix us with that hard glare again. "You disrupted the dance, and I believe you did it intentionally. While I would like very much to suspend you, that punishment seems a tad extreme." More like, if he tried, Duo could contest the decision and, if he really wanted to, sue him.

"But I am still going to call both your parents."

Oh shit. As usual, I had given detailed but false information on all the forms. If they tried to contact either my parents, they wouldn't get anywhere. I didn't let these thoughts show on my face, just glanced at Duo to find that he was still smiling that lazy smile of his.

"Of course. But Heero's parents are out of town for a couple of days on holiday. My father is, unfortunately, in the hospital recovering from having his appendix removed. You can, however, call my mother, but she's meeting a friend for dinner right about now so you should probably use her cell phone. Do you want me to speak to her?"

Suspicion showed in Mr. Walker's eyes for a moment before he nodded and pushed the phone towards Duo. "Do it, and tell her that she needs to come here immediately."

"Sir, please, don't ruin her date completely. How about tomorrow morning instead?"

"Fine, whatever."

Duo grinned and picked up the phone. I watched what number he dialled and realised that it was Sally's cell. For Sally to get here for the morning, she'd have to leave immediately and travel all night, but it was possible.

"Hi, Mum, it's me, Duo. How's your date going? Okay, so it's not a date, but close enough. Yeah. Yeah, the dance is great, unfortunately me and Heero got in a bit of trouble and we kinda need you to come speak to our Principal. Oh, really? Hm, okay, so this guy lives over by the cinema, yeah? Right, well I can give you directions to the school from there if you want. Great." He then gave a detailed list of directions, including enough street names that she could probably find the town anyway, but still ended with, "And then you turn the corner and come up with a big building that has a nice sign in front of it saying 'McKendry Secondary School'. Okay? Great. Thanks, Mum. Bye."

Duo hung up and looked at Mr. Walker with a happy smile. "So is that it?" he asked. "Can we go?"

After a rather longwinded warning about not doing anything like we had done in the gym ever again, Mr. Walker eventually let us go home. We stayed silent as we walked through the dark, empty corridors of the school. I was thinking about the possible ramifications of what we had done, and I had no idea what Duo was thinking about. We stepped out into the cool night air, and Duo paused, looking up at the stars as he was wont to do on occasion. I sometimes wondered what he thought of when he looked at the stars, I wondered what he saw out there among the glittering pinpricks of light.

"Duo, are you okay?" I ventured hesitantly after a few more minutes of silence. He nodded, smiling softly, but didn't answer or look away from the night sky.

"Do you mind us being… outed?"

"No. I have to say I'd rather it didn't happen, but… it's cool." He finally looked at me, and he smiled again. "I don't want to hide us."

Then he leaned forward and kissed me, a long, tender kiss that stole my breath. I moaned softly and reached out to pull him flush against my body. He let me, but pulled away a moment later with a wicked grin.

"I do not want to get in trouble again, 'Ro," he said firmly, and I frowned, but as I half-agreed with him, it was hard to argue.

"So what do you want to do for the rest of the evening?" I asked as we turned and started walking away from the school.

"I dunno, just relax, maybe read a little. No talking."

I understood what he meant, and nodded. While I did want to have another talk, wanted to try and heal him a little bit more, I knew that it wouldn't work unless he wanted it to. This had to be at Duo's pace or it wouldn't be worth anything. If I pushed, he'd draw away. I knew that, I did, but… I still wanted to talk, to push him just a little. Going at this slow, careful pace went against my basic nature, I liked things done quick and fast.

"Quit frowning, 'Ro," Duo said, bumping my shoulder with his. "We can talk tomorrow night."

"You promise?"

"Yeah."

Duo never broke a promise, it was worse than… anything, to his mind. So when he promised, I believed him, and was able to relax a bit more.

We spent a pleasant evening in the motel reading short stories on the Net, something that Duo was apparently fond of. It was nearing midnight by the time we finally went to bed, with me curled up behind him, holding him tightly to me.

"I love you, Heero," he whispered, the softest breath of sound, and I smiled as I drifted off to sleep.


End file.
